I just want to forget.

I don't know... 

 

 

…how much I’m going to be around the next several days - might be ‘not at all’ might be ‘all the time’. I’m really struggling with some stuff and Facebook (anyone surprised here?) just really screwed my mind up. One of my ‘Christian’ friends (who has been unfriend-ed, I know it’s rude, but really I couldn’t help it) posted a picture… God, I don’t even know if I can bear to explain or type it out…. of an aborted baby, bloody, horrible, dead.

I just had a hysterectomy. They removed my uterus. My husband and I have been trying to get pregnant for almost 4 years, unsuccessfully, because of severe  endometriosis and adenomyosis. I am struggling very hard with my emotions and feelings because of this. I have not been able to cook raw meat, and I've barely been able to eat beef since I came home from the hospital. It grosses me out and makes me sick. Then about 30 minutes ago I saw the above stated post on facebook.

My depression is getting worse, I’m taking more pain pills than usual because I’m hurting more, but I’m not sure if those two things are actually connected or not. I’ll NOT be on FB for awhile, that I can tell you - but I don’t know about here or my tumblr.

I need to paint. I’ve started a new painting, but I’m hesitant to show it online because 99% of the time my paintings get ignored, and I honestly don’t think I can deal with that right now on top of everything else.

How do you unsee something? I need to know if there actually is a way. I  have finally stopped crying and only threw up once...so much for that casadilla . I feel like I’m dying on the inside and I don’t know how to stop. I feel so very very alone right now. And broken. I can’t smile about anything. I feel like I don’t even want to breathe, but my body makes me.

Pray for me? Think happy thoughts for me? Something, anything. Just…. I don’t know. I want to say “whatever, fuck it, I just need to move on” but I can’t, I don’t know how. I don’t even know how to get this stuff out of my head, off my mind. I just keep seeing it over and over and over.

Anyway … there it is. I wasn’t planning on really getting into it, but I guess I did - someone will probably say “it’s good for you get it out”… just so you know. Thank you for taking the time to read this (if anyone does) and I hope you have a good rest of your day.

p.s. Unless you are Mr. Man, please don't call or text me today. I probably won't answer, I just really don't want to talk about it. I just want to go pick up Da Boy from school and hug him forever until I stop feeling like this. Also, If this IS Mr. Man reading this, I'll call you when we get home, but can we please not talk about this part? Thanks and I love you soooo much. I miss you and I wish you could come home. I'll be waiting for you when you get off work.

~Mira

New Miranda-ized Dictionary

sigh

1. A deep and prolonged audible inspiration or respiration of air, as when fatigued, frustrated, grieved, or relieved; the act of sighing.

grr

1. A growl of anger or disappointment.

pfft

1. Used to signify sarcasm or disagreement

I have spent the last several days in a state of "sigh,grr,pfft" After realizing this, I started noticing that not only was I feeling "sigh,grr,pfft"... but I was renaming things because of it.

1. Maxi Pad - now renamed "Comfort Sucker" because, well, that's what it does.

2. Tampon - renamed "Comfort sucker on a stick" see #1

3. Wrist Brace - renamed  "stupid, friggin 2 by 4 strapped to my arm" no explanation needed.

4. Coffee - renamed "Life giving substance" (see don't these words just make more sense? I mean really... what does coffee actually mean?)

5. Our youngest cat Sora - renamed "ass-hat-cat" see pictures below

(Sora in our overhead kitchen light fixture)

6. Our older cat Adso - renamed "Mommy man-cat"  see pics below

 (Adso, grooming and protecting Sora while he slept on their "blankie")

 

7. Dollar Tree - now renamed "Cheap Man's Mecca" and a place I could spend my entire paycheck in one run.

8. Our 2 year old goldfish 'Memo' (yes I know it's Nemo, but Josh will fight you on that for hours) has been renamed "Dead Fish Swimming" due to the fact that he will.not.die. Seriously. The only time I clean his tank is when I literally cannot see him anymore.

(Note the green algae and stagnant water,
I think he actually likes it better this way)

9. Tolkien's 'Silmarillion' - now renamed "book from Middle-Earth Hell" considering I've been trying to read it for about 2 months now, and I'm not done yet. (It's never taken me 3 weeks to read a book before. Well, except the Bible)

10. Facebook - renamed "that place I HATE because my farm won't load and everybody else's facebook has updated but not mine and I can't do anything on there and I hate it!"

Sigh.            ......grrrrr.....           Pfft!

Mama's ABC Soup - Letter A

This post brought to you by the letter A

Addicting Games:
Hello, my name is Miranda, and I'm addicted to online games. Seems I have a very addicting personality when it comes to online games. It started a few years ago with Neopets. No, I'm not joking, stop laughing. I played religiously for about 2 years. Then, I found GaiaOnline and off I went on a new amazingly addictive adventure (like how I'm using my 'A' words there?)   I played and played... and just like the other games - I dragged anyone I could over there to create an account and become my friend. I actually had my own graphics shop on Gaia, where I'd create banners or profiles for people and they 'paid' me with gaia gold. I played Gaia until everything started costing 'real' money. Then I found pogo. Wow, I thought, this is the place to be! I convinced Mr. Man to sign up - then I got Loue into it too. I didn't want to be alone!! I couldn't stand the fact that no one else knew what Phlinx was or what I meant when I bragged about how many pigs I'd popped in Hog Heaven Slots.

Then one of my friends begged me to do the Facebook thing. I had a myspace and thought that enough. I finally caved in and signed up, however, and instantly regretted it. What were all these invites and gifty things for farmville and mafia and crap?! I hated it! I didn't want these games, I wanted my friends to play pogo with me, damnit! I held off for about a month. I look back now, and I'm actually pretty proud of myself for managing it for that long. After hearing about this farmville thing for waaaay too long, I finally got fed up and clicked the button to start a farm. Bam. That was it - I was hooked. Since then, I've spent countless hours moving animals, building barns, and harvesting trees. I click on eggs. I'm hurt when no one comments on the eggs I post to tell me what they got from it. I plant flowers, veggies, fruit and grains... I brush kittens and fertilize my neighbors land. FV came out with a tractor that you can only get from playing Mafia Wars. Sign me up baby!!

Sometimes I can't believe myself, and somewhere - deep inside - I'm ashamed. I know that I have bigger worries than whether or not my plants wither, but sometimes.. sometimes it doesn't seem to matter. I have to physically pull myself away from whichever game I'm playing and look around my house. I see the piled up dishes and the fact that I'm still in my pjs and it's 4pm and Mr. Man will be home in an hour and I haven't done a damn thing all day long! It's disgusting. It's one of the big reasons I started a blog in the first place. I needed something that I could do to relieve some stress, have some fun, and then walk away from.

Farmville never ends ... but posts do.

Up, down, and all around

Why don't people list their high school(s) on Facebook? Seriously?! I've been trying to find my childhood BFF for about 6 years now, and it's making me crazy. I did get lucky in one respect though - I managed to find her brother (who listed his high school, thank you very much). So, I send him a little note, asking about her, if she's on FB and if he could connect us. About 4 gut wrenching days later, in which I've convinced myself his reply will be "I'm sorry but she passed away" (haha), I get a reply. "She's on FB, here's her email." OMG!! YAY! I click over to the 'find friends' deal, and pop in her email addy - no go. Not listed on FB. I dash back over to the message from her bro and shoot back "are you sure you spelled it right?" He comes back with "yes, and here is her other email that she has listed." YES!! I go back to the other page, pop in THAT addy and click. Nope. My shoulders slump, my brow creases and I sit here chewing on my lower lip, trying both addresses over and over. I go to Myspace, and try - nothin.

Come ON! You gotta be kiddin me. There are two people on FB that come up when look up her name - one has a pic. Red hair,glasses, smiling, baby with her. Yeah, I think, it 'could' be her. Last time I saw her she was blond, with braces, but that was 14 years ago. I have a terrible memory, granted, but still.

So now I'm sitting here waiting for her brother to get back to me. I can't focus on anything else. I've been going back and forth with my sister on instant messaging, chatting about the "maybe I'm pregnant, maybe it's pms" topic. As I type this, I've checked FB about fourteen bajillion times, hoping to see the little 1 in a blue circle by the inbox button - and growl everytime it's not there. *growl, sigh*