Everybody dies alone.

To my friend,

I used to think we were special to eachother. I used to believe we'd be friends, real friends, maybe even best friends - forever. Now, we never talk. When we see eachother, sometimes you smile and say hi... but that's usually about it.  You post about your "bff's" and "besties", pictures of you with your friends, while I sit here alone, so lonely, wondering why we aren't close anymore. Am I really that useless as a human, that I can't keep a friend? Every friend I've ever had has left me. The only friend I really have is my husband. He's the only one who hasn't given up on me, ever. Am I the person God picked to only have one true companion?

I'm being ridiculous. I know I am. I have other friends ... friends that I've had for years. Friend's that I know will never leave me, will always be there - have always been there, regardless of anything. The only problem? They all live hundreds of miles away. And, even though I may call them my best friend(s), they have someone else they call theirs. And that's ok, I understand why and I'm alright with that. But why am I the only one, it seems, that has no one, besides my spouse, to fill that role?

I know I'm dealing with some issues, and it's been a rough couple of years for me; physically and emotionally. I truly believe if I had a friend, living here close, someone I could talk to and share with and just.... be with, that it would have been easier. I think I would have recovered quicker, with less trouble. I honestly don't know what would have happened to me with Mr. Man in my life; to be my rock, my one support to lean on and help hold me together. I think I would have just given up. When I contemplate what my life these last few years would have been like without him, I realize that they wouldn't have been at all. I wouldn't have made it this far. I would have done myself in and been done with it.

I suppose there is a silver lining to every cloud, a rainbow after ever rain. Sometimes it's very hard to see it, but regardless, it's there. I may not have you in my life anymore, not the way I'd like you to be, but I do have friends. And maybe, just maybe .. without losing you, I wouldn't have really realized that.

~M

Quick, short and to the point

Just got back from my follow-up with Dr. W (who did my hysterectomy) All looks good, still not healed up but getting there. Another appt in 3 weeks.

Started taking Zoloft on Saturday 2/4/2012. Feeling alright, but already noticing some side effects that I don't love; jittery feeling, hair loss, headaches. But it's working well on the depression and that's ALL that matters.

So, I'm going to go pick up Da Boy from school and wait for Mr. Man to get home from work so I can finally be calm again. I'm beginning to realize that I don't like being home alone near as much as I used to - now I'm just lonely and jumpy and bored.

I just want to forget.

I don't know... 

 

 

…how much I’m going to be around the next several days - might be ‘not at all’ might be ‘all the time’. I’m really struggling with some stuff and Facebook (anyone surprised here?) just really screwed my mind up. One of my ‘Christian’ friends (who has been unfriend-ed, I know it’s rude, but really I couldn’t help it) posted a picture… God, I don’t even know if I can bear to explain or type it out…. of an aborted baby, bloody, horrible, dead.

I just had a hysterectomy. They removed my uterus. My husband and I have been trying to get pregnant for almost 4 years, unsuccessfully, because of severe  endometriosis and adenomyosis. I am struggling very hard with my emotions and feelings because of this. I have not been able to cook raw meat, and I've barely been able to eat beef since I came home from the hospital. It grosses me out and makes me sick. Then about 30 minutes ago I saw the above stated post on facebook.

My depression is getting worse, I’m taking more pain pills than usual because I’m hurting more, but I’m not sure if those two things are actually connected or not. I’ll NOT be on FB for awhile, that I can tell you - but I don’t know about here or my tumblr.

I need to paint. I’ve started a new painting, but I’m hesitant to show it online because 99% of the time my paintings get ignored, and I honestly don’t think I can deal with that right now on top of everything else.

How do you unsee something? I need to know if there actually is a way. I  have finally stopped crying and only threw up once...so much for that casadilla . I feel like I’m dying on the inside and I don’t know how to stop. I feel so very very alone right now. And broken. I can’t smile about anything. I feel like I don’t even want to breathe, but my body makes me.

Pray for me? Think happy thoughts for me? Something, anything. Just…. I don’t know. I want to say “whatever, fuck it, I just need to move on” but I can’t, I don’t know how. I don’t even know how to get this stuff out of my head, off my mind. I just keep seeing it over and over and over.

Anyway … there it is. I wasn’t planning on really getting into it, but I guess I did - someone will probably say “it’s good for you get it out”… just so you know. Thank you for taking the time to read this (if anyone does) and I hope you have a good rest of your day.

p.s. Unless you are Mr. Man, please don't call or text me today. I probably won't answer, I just really don't want to talk about it. I just want to go pick up Da Boy from school and hug him forever until I stop feeling like this. Also, If this IS Mr. Man reading this, I'll call you when we get home, but can we please not talk about this part? Thanks and I love you soooo much. I miss you and I wish you could come home. I'll be waiting for you when you get off work.

~Mira