Unfinished Business

I am Unfinished Business. I really am.
You'd be shocked if I told you how many projects I've started but never completed, how many times I said "I'm keeping that so I can use it to make _________" and never again even thought about it. How often I told my husband "Yeah I'll call so-and-so and take care of that!" or "I'm so upset, I'm going to write that company a letter!" Never happened. Never got done. Or how many times I swore I'd write out my testimony, back up my computer, or get together with a friend.

Didyouknow

February 7

When you tell someone a goal or thing you’re planning on doing, it chemically satisfies your brain in a manner that’s similar to having actually completed the goal. Source Video: http://did-you-kno.tumblr.com/

Sorry, ANYways.... ((that just took over 10 minutes to find that damn quote on Facebook, because I knew I'd seen it, but didn't know where. )) 

Right. Unfinished business. That's me. It's been a very roller-coaster year. I will explain... no there is too much, let me sum up.

It's been almost 14 months since my Hysterectomy. I'm still on antidepressants.

Da Boy's birth-father met and moved in with a woman and her 3 children in a different town, making it a huge pain in the ass regarding school and such. There were some issues with da boy being called names and being picked on by his new 'step-mother' (kind of, since they aren't married) but that seems to have cooled off since I confronted his birth-father about it.

I finally met our next door neighbors, thanks to Da Boy and the neighbor's kid Alex. His mom is Kathy, and we've become very close. She is a huge blessing in my life, and I wouldn't trade her for the world.

Sissy T and her man got married in early September. This was a good thing, but still rather stressful for me and Mr. Man. We are very happy for them.

Later in September, my heart-dad Jack became suddenly very ill and I flew up to WA State to see him. He died the day before my birthday.

In October, Sissy T and he new hubby moved in with us. They lived with us until the week before Christmas.

On December 15th, Mr. Man and I renewed our vows and had our marriage blessed by our church and pastor. It was beautiful and magical, I have 11 pictures to prove it ;)

My back has been getting worse and worse. I now spend most of my days in a wheelchair, with my cane handy at all times, since the chair doesn't fit through half of the doorways in this house (including the bathrooms!) I've been through just about every prescription pain medication there is, and have not found anything that really cuts the pain. The doctors don't know what to do, and the insurance won't approve anything the doctors suggest.

Mr. Man and I have been skipping church, putting off get-togethers and basically just spending time together. I dislike going anywhere much, as it's a bitch to get the wheelchair in and out of the car, and then Mr. Man has to take care of everything and I detest the way people look at me. I am ashamed of my physical problems and I feel useless and pointless and like I'm just a hassle. I feel like I don't/ can't contribute anything positive to our life anymore.  This has nothing to do with my husband - he is so good to me, and makes it all better when he's here. But when he's not ...it all comes flooding back.

I try to pray. I try to push aside the demons and force myself to see the positive. It's not ALL bad, it's just hard for me to see the good. Today, I got an amazing letter from a friend, I want to share it with you....

Hello there sweetie,
I was just thinking about you this morning - thinking about how much pain you live with and how hard it is to stay positive when you don't feel well. I know that you try to focus on the blessings: your wonderful husband who loves you, your adorable son, your salvation, your art. I want to encourage you, but I don't know how. I want to make your pain go away but I don't know how. I want to tell you that things will get better, but I don't know that they will.
This one thing I can say. Your life is important. Even though you are limited in what you are able to do, God has not left you without a purpose. You have assignments. There are certain people that only you can encourage and inspire. You reflect a particular aspect of God's glory that no one else can. Your son is learning how to worship, pray, and depend on God from YOU.
Don't let the devil steal your hope. Don't let him draw you into self-pity. Don't let him convince you to curl up in a ball and die. The kingdom needs you, Miranda. We need your testimony. We need your courage. We need your perseverance. There are so many who are suffering, who are looking for heroes (and heroines). Champions of pain. People who suffer well - who suffer like Jesus.
If you can't get out of bed, pray for others! Pray for our church, our pastor, our leaders. Ask God who you might call on the phone and encourage. Ask Him for specific scriptures for people and then text it to them. Write to people on facebook and ask them what they need prayer for. If you are able to sit up and visit, invite someone to come and have a cup of tea with you. There are so many who are lonely and need fellowship. When we are hurting, the devil just loves to make us turn inward and feel useless. One of the quickest ways to shake off his life-sucking tentacles is to bless someone else! Give the devil a black eye! You ARE a blessing, Miranda. You are a blessing.
I love you
G

This letter REALLY got to me. She spoke to my heart, without any knowledge of how I was feeling (we haven't talked in awhile) and she nailed it. I want to 'encourage and inspire'. I want to suffer like Jesus. I want to bless someone else. I just don't want to have to 'do' it. I guess the best way to put it is that I have no motivation to do anything other than stew in my own juices. So here's what I am GOING TO DO...(for real, I mean it)

I am going to pray for people. I am going to pass on prayer requests on FB and I am going encourage the people who post them. I am going to type up my testimony here and then (oh god) I'm going to post THAT on FB as well. I am going to go to church on Sunday.

It may not sound like much, but even just typing it out makes me shake. It also makes me feel determined. And scared. And a teeny bit brave.

 ~M

 

Everybody dies alone.

To my friend,

I used to think we were special to eachother. I used to believe we'd be friends, real friends, maybe even best friends - forever. Now, we never talk. When we see eachother, sometimes you smile and say hi... but that's usually about it.  You post about your "bff's" and "besties", pictures of you with your friends, while I sit here alone, so lonely, wondering why we aren't close anymore. Am I really that useless as a human, that I can't keep a friend? Every friend I've ever had has left me. The only friend I really have is my husband. He's the only one who hasn't given up on me, ever. Am I the person God picked to only have one true companion?

I'm being ridiculous. I know I am. I have other friends ... friends that I've had for years. Friend's that I know will never leave me, will always be there - have always been there, regardless of anything. The only problem? They all live hundreds of miles away. And, even though I may call them my best friend(s), they have someone else they call theirs. And that's ok, I understand why and I'm alright with that. But why am I the only one, it seems, that has no one, besides my spouse, to fill that role?

I know I'm dealing with some issues, and it's been a rough couple of years for me; physically and emotionally. I truly believe if I had a friend, living here close, someone I could talk to and share with and just.... be with, that it would have been easier. I think I would have recovered quicker, with less trouble. I honestly don't know what would have happened to me with Mr. Man in my life; to be my rock, my one support to lean on and help hold me together. I think I would have just given up. When I contemplate what my life these last few years would have been like without him, I realize that they wouldn't have been at all. I wouldn't have made it this far. I would have done myself in and been done with it.

I suppose there is a silver lining to every cloud, a rainbow after ever rain. Sometimes it's very hard to see it, but regardless, it's there. I may not have you in my life anymore, not the way I'd like you to be, but I do have friends. And maybe, just maybe .. without losing you, I wouldn't have really realized that.

~M

Quick, short and to the point

Just got back from my follow-up with Dr. W (who did my hysterectomy) All looks good, still not healed up but getting there. Another appt in 3 weeks.

Started taking Zoloft on Saturday 2/4/2012. Feeling alright, but already noticing some side effects that I don't love; jittery feeling, hair loss, headaches. But it's working well on the depression and that's ALL that matters.

So, I'm going to go pick up Da Boy from school and wait for Mr. Man to get home from work so I can finally be calm again. I'm beginning to realize that I don't like being home alone near as much as I used to - now I'm just lonely and jumpy and bored.

I just want to forget.

I don't know... 

 

 

…how much I’m going to be around the next several days - might be ‘not at all’ might be ‘all the time’. I’m really struggling with some stuff and Facebook (anyone surprised here?) just really screwed my mind up. One of my ‘Christian’ friends (who has been unfriend-ed, I know it’s rude, but really I couldn’t help it) posted a picture… God, I don’t even know if I can bear to explain or type it out…. of an aborted baby, bloody, horrible, dead.

I just had a hysterectomy. They removed my uterus. My husband and I have been trying to get pregnant for almost 4 years, unsuccessfully, because of severe  endometriosis and adenomyosis. I am struggling very hard with my emotions and feelings because of this. I have not been able to cook raw meat, and I've barely been able to eat beef since I came home from the hospital. It grosses me out and makes me sick. Then about 30 minutes ago I saw the above stated post on facebook.

My depression is getting worse, I’m taking more pain pills than usual because I’m hurting more, but I’m not sure if those two things are actually connected or not. I’ll NOT be on FB for awhile, that I can tell you - but I don’t know about here or my tumblr.

I need to paint. I’ve started a new painting, but I’m hesitant to show it online because 99% of the time my paintings get ignored, and I honestly don’t think I can deal with that right now on top of everything else.

How do you unsee something? I need to know if there actually is a way. I  have finally stopped crying and only threw up once...so much for that casadilla . I feel like I’m dying on the inside and I don’t know how to stop. I feel so very very alone right now. And broken. I can’t smile about anything. I feel like I don’t even want to breathe, but my body makes me.

Pray for me? Think happy thoughts for me? Something, anything. Just…. I don’t know. I want to say “whatever, fuck it, I just need to move on” but I can’t, I don’t know how. I don’t even know how to get this stuff out of my head, off my mind. I just keep seeing it over and over and over.

Anyway … there it is. I wasn’t planning on really getting into it, but I guess I did - someone will probably say “it’s good for you get it out”… just so you know. Thank you for taking the time to read this (if anyone does) and I hope you have a good rest of your day.

p.s. Unless you are Mr. Man, please don't call or text me today. I probably won't answer, I just really don't want to talk about it. I just want to go pick up Da Boy from school and hug him forever until I stop feeling like this. Also, If this IS Mr. Man reading this, I'll call you when we get home, but can we please not talk about this part? Thanks and I love you soooo much. I miss you and I wish you could come home. I'll be waiting for you when you get off work.

~Mira

Maybe I really am going crazy

I think I wouldn't mind if I never left the house again. Although, I wonder how long it would be before someone noticed (besides Mr. Man and DaBoy) I could listen to church online, update my FB status with thoughts on the sermon, share antidotes about daily life, and I doubt anyone would know the difference.

I mean, except me.


I don't mind going to Walmart, or maybe out for some Keno, or even Quizno's. But going places where I know people.... yeah I think I'm ok not doing that anymore. I'm sick of the pretending, "How do I feel? Like I ought to be swinging from my neck in the shower I'm doin' alright, better all the time, you?"  the fake smiles, the little social lies "Oh we need to get together! Let's have lunch" (we ain't never havin' lunch, and you damn well know it) and all the rest.

I'm pretty sure I could pull it off. Well, just as long as no one ever came to the house looking for me. ;)














 




 







 



 

I don't wanna talk about it.

But it seems like I have to. I've been putting it off. I'd rather just talk about my latest obsession; the BBC shows "Merlin" and "Sherlock", or tell you about how my Pastor hates "fish-breathed, fur ball vomiting house cats" (yes, that is a direct quote) or maybe about how long my hair is now, or something cute about Da Boy. But no .. it's time I get this off my .... well, chest ain't the right word... Soul? Heart? Mind? 


On January 9th, I had a hysterectomy. They took my uterus, left my ovaries, and burned off the Endometriosis. <---- That word right there just echos in my head everytime I say it or think it. ENDO....ENDo...ENdo...Endo...endo......


I am still recovering. Well, my body is recovering. Me, I'm not so sure about. 

 "You don't have a soul. You are a Soul. You have a body." ♥ - C.S. Lewis (quoted from a friend on facebook) 

My body is recovering, quite nicely I think. My weight is down (how the hell much can an empty uterus weigh?!) to 124. My incisions are glued (they only did stitches on the inside) and although they sometimes still are painful, it's nothing I can't handle. I still am having a hard time bending down or walking very far (or fast) but hell, with my back that's nothing I'm not used to. I'm going to leave the rest out; and put it down as T.M.I. (trust me on this one, I feel bad enough that I've already told Mr. Man about so much).

The 'me' inside though - is changed - more than the physical; the scars, the pain, the bleeding, the bullshit. A small example of what I mean....

Last night, I cooked dinner. Simple, easy, no big thing, Hamburger Helper Stroganoff. As I dumped the raw ground beef into the pan to brown it, I couldn't help but see the red, the uncooked, the raw ... the meat. All I could think about was my missing uterus. Where is it? What did they do with it? Stop Miranda (I said in my head) It's a COW, for Christ's sake! Yes, this is a cow... you're right. Cows are girls, oh my god, what if there is cow uterus in here??!  Knock it off! You are just making it worse, just cook the fucking meat and get it brown! I turned up the heat. Cooked it faster. It turned brown, looked just like hamburger (like what the hell else should it look like?!). No problemo. I pulled myself together and continued cooking. Served dinner and sat down to eat. Mr. Man and I prayed and as I took the first forkful into my mouth, I couldn't imagine that this was beef. I knew it was, but I couldn't accept it. Couldn't make myself believe it.

Oh holy fuck I can't eat this!!!

I tried. I really did, but after a few more bites, I pushed aside my plate and ate my french bread slice.


It's that kind of thing that sneaks up on me, unawares, and bites me in the brain. And now, even as I type these letters to close my entry, I can't stop thinking about that meat. And here I was, so proud of myself for chatting nicely with that (very) pregnant lady we saw last night (I even smiled) asking her when she is due, and did she know if it was a boy or a girl. (April 23rd, a girl, to be named Brooklyn Savannah)

...now do you see why I didn't wanna talk about it?

~M