Unfinished Business

I am Unfinished Business. I really am.
You'd be shocked if I told you how many projects I've started but never completed, how many times I said "I'm keeping that so I can use it to make _________" and never again even thought about it. How often I told my husband "Yeah I'll call so-and-so and take care of that!" or "I'm so upset, I'm going to write that company a letter!" Never happened. Never got done. Or how many times I swore I'd write out my testimony, back up my computer, or get together with a friend.

Didyouknow

February 7

When you tell someone a goal or thing you’re planning on doing, it chemically satisfies your brain in a manner that’s similar to having actually completed the goal. Source Video: http://did-you-kno.tumblr.com/

Sorry, ANYways.... ((that just took over 10 minutes to find that damn quote on Facebook, because I knew I'd seen it, but didn't know where. )) 

Right. Unfinished business. That's me. It's been a very roller-coaster year. I will explain... no there is too much, let me sum up.

It's been almost 14 months since my Hysterectomy. I'm still on antidepressants.

Da Boy's birth-father met and moved in with a woman and her 3 children in a different town, making it a huge pain in the ass regarding school and such. There were some issues with da boy being called names and being picked on by his new 'step-mother' (kind of, since they aren't married) but that seems to have cooled off since I confronted his birth-father about it.

I finally met our next door neighbors, thanks to Da Boy and the neighbor's kid Alex. His mom is Kathy, and we've become very close. She is a huge blessing in my life, and I wouldn't trade her for the world.

Sissy T and her man got married in early September. This was a good thing, but still rather stressful for me and Mr. Man. We are very happy for them.

Later in September, my heart-dad Jack became suddenly very ill and I flew up to WA State to see him. He died the day before my birthday.

In October, Sissy T and he new hubby moved in with us. They lived with us until the week before Christmas.

On December 15th, Mr. Man and I renewed our vows and had our marriage blessed by our church and pastor. It was beautiful and magical, I have 11 pictures to prove it ;)

My back has been getting worse and worse. I now spend most of my days in a wheelchair, with my cane handy at all times, since the chair doesn't fit through half of the doorways in this house (including the bathrooms!) I've been through just about every prescription pain medication there is, and have not found anything that really cuts the pain. The doctors don't know what to do, and the insurance won't approve anything the doctors suggest.

Mr. Man and I have been skipping church, putting off get-togethers and basically just spending time together. I dislike going anywhere much, as it's a bitch to get the wheelchair in and out of the car, and then Mr. Man has to take care of everything and I detest the way people look at me. I am ashamed of my physical problems and I feel useless and pointless and like I'm just a hassle. I feel like I don't/ can't contribute anything positive to our life anymore.  This has nothing to do with my husband - he is so good to me, and makes it all better when he's here. But when he's not ...it all comes flooding back.

I try to pray. I try to push aside the demons and force myself to see the positive. It's not ALL bad, it's just hard for me to see the good. Today, I got an amazing letter from a friend, I want to share it with you....

Hello there sweetie,
I was just thinking about you this morning - thinking about how much pain you live with and how hard it is to stay positive when you don't feel well. I know that you try to focus on the blessings: your wonderful husband who loves you, your adorable son, your salvation, your art. I want to encourage you, but I don't know how. I want to make your pain go away but I don't know how. I want to tell you that things will get better, but I don't know that they will.
This one thing I can say. Your life is important. Even though you are limited in what you are able to do, God has not left you without a purpose. You have assignments. There are certain people that only you can encourage and inspire. You reflect a particular aspect of God's glory that no one else can. Your son is learning how to worship, pray, and depend on God from YOU.
Don't let the devil steal your hope. Don't let him draw you into self-pity. Don't let him convince you to curl up in a ball and die. The kingdom needs you, Miranda. We need your testimony. We need your courage. We need your perseverance. There are so many who are suffering, who are looking for heroes (and heroines). Champions of pain. People who suffer well - who suffer like Jesus.
If you can't get out of bed, pray for others! Pray for our church, our pastor, our leaders. Ask God who you might call on the phone and encourage. Ask Him for specific scriptures for people and then text it to them. Write to people on facebook and ask them what they need prayer for. If you are able to sit up and visit, invite someone to come and have a cup of tea with you. There are so many who are lonely and need fellowship. When we are hurting, the devil just loves to make us turn inward and feel useless. One of the quickest ways to shake off his life-sucking tentacles is to bless someone else! Give the devil a black eye! You ARE a blessing, Miranda. You are a blessing.
I love you
G

This letter REALLY got to me. She spoke to my heart, without any knowledge of how I was feeling (we haven't talked in awhile) and she nailed it. I want to 'encourage and inspire'. I want to suffer like Jesus. I want to bless someone else. I just don't want to have to 'do' it. I guess the best way to put it is that I have no motivation to do anything other than stew in my own juices. So here's what I am GOING TO DO...(for real, I mean it)

I am going to pray for people. I am going to pass on prayer requests on FB and I am going encourage the people who post them. I am going to type up my testimony here and then (oh god) I'm going to post THAT on FB as well. I am going to go to church on Sunday.

It may not sound like much, but even just typing it out makes me shake. It also makes me feel determined. And scared. And a teeny bit brave.

 ~M

 

Quick, short and to the point

Just got back from my follow-up with Dr. W (who did my hysterectomy) All looks good, still not healed up but getting there. Another appt in 3 weeks.

Started taking Zoloft on Saturday 2/4/2012. Feeling alright, but already noticing some side effects that I don't love; jittery feeling, hair loss, headaches. But it's working well on the depression and that's ALL that matters.

So, I'm going to go pick up Da Boy from school and wait for Mr. Man to get home from work so I can finally be calm again. I'm beginning to realize that I don't like being home alone near as much as I used to - now I'm just lonely and jumpy and bored.

I just want to forget.

I don't know... 

 

 

…how much I’m going to be around the next several days - might be ‘not at all’ might be ‘all the time’. I’m really struggling with some stuff and Facebook (anyone surprised here?) just really screwed my mind up. One of my ‘Christian’ friends (who has been unfriend-ed, I know it’s rude, but really I couldn’t help it) posted a picture… God, I don’t even know if I can bear to explain or type it out…. of an aborted baby, bloody, horrible, dead.

I just had a hysterectomy. They removed my uterus. My husband and I have been trying to get pregnant for almost 4 years, unsuccessfully, because of severe  endometriosis and adenomyosis. I am struggling very hard with my emotions and feelings because of this. I have not been able to cook raw meat, and I've barely been able to eat beef since I came home from the hospital. It grosses me out and makes me sick. Then about 30 minutes ago I saw the above stated post on facebook.

My depression is getting worse, I’m taking more pain pills than usual because I’m hurting more, but I’m not sure if those two things are actually connected or not. I’ll NOT be on FB for awhile, that I can tell you - but I don’t know about here or my tumblr.

I need to paint. I’ve started a new painting, but I’m hesitant to show it online because 99% of the time my paintings get ignored, and I honestly don’t think I can deal with that right now on top of everything else.

How do you unsee something? I need to know if there actually is a way. I  have finally stopped crying and only threw up once...so much for that casadilla . I feel like I’m dying on the inside and I don’t know how to stop. I feel so very very alone right now. And broken. I can’t smile about anything. I feel like I don’t even want to breathe, but my body makes me.

Pray for me? Think happy thoughts for me? Something, anything. Just…. I don’t know. I want to say “whatever, fuck it, I just need to move on” but I can’t, I don’t know how. I don’t even know how to get this stuff out of my head, off my mind. I just keep seeing it over and over and over.

Anyway … there it is. I wasn’t planning on really getting into it, but I guess I did - someone will probably say “it’s good for you get it out”… just so you know. Thank you for taking the time to read this (if anyone does) and I hope you have a good rest of your day.

p.s. Unless you are Mr. Man, please don't call or text me today. I probably won't answer, I just really don't want to talk about it. I just want to go pick up Da Boy from school and hug him forever until I stop feeling like this. Also, If this IS Mr. Man reading this, I'll call you when we get home, but can we please not talk about this part? Thanks and I love you soooo much. I miss you and I wish you could come home. I'll be waiting for you when you get off work.

~Mira

A quick summary...

Just to update you what's going on, since I still haven't really found time to do a nice big blog about it all (well, that and I can't think of how to start) I'll sum up..

Da Boy is now with us 1 week at a time. 1 here, 1 there, repeat. Also, his biological father moved about an hour away, which makes getting Da Boy to school on time rather difficult.

Sissy T is getting married. In September. To a boy we haven't met. Yeah.

I have been diagnosed with Endo. Now, I have to have a hysterectomy. On Monday (no joke) And I'm scared. A Lot. So much for almost 4 years of trying to get pregnant. To be honest, I can't even form sentences about how I feel emotionally about this subject.

We started going to a new church. Full of wonderful people. Now the people at our old church barely speak to us and I feel like they don't want to be friends with us anymore.

I've been painting, and crocheting, and spending WAY too much time looking at Tumblr browsing #Merlin.

Mr. Man has been diagnosed with functional dyspepsia. Only problem is, the meds seem worse than the disease. Now he's having chest pains and tingling in his hands and feet. And I'm scared. A lot.

However....


I got a new camera for Christmas ... no joke, I don't think I've ever been so excited. It's a Canon, with a separate lens. Sheeeaaahhh!

Ok, that'll have to do for now. Da Boy leaves in an hour and I've gotta get his stuff together. Ciao for now, I will try to post more later today.
~M

No one ever called me Betty Crocker

Well it's just the truth, ya know?  

(make sure to click the pictures to see them bigger!)

My Grandmother, yes, absolutely - the woman could cook anything!  My Mom was the same way, I even have some of her handwritten recipes (not that I can really read them, but that's not the point) 

 (Mom and I making biscuits)                                               (Mom's recipes)

 

My Aunt can cook very well, my friends can heat up the kitchen (A la Princessa!) but me? I could heat it up, but you'd probably need a fire extinguisher by the time I was done.

 No, no (I can hear you Wendy and Chris) I'm not giving myself enough credit. That is what this blog post is for...

So after what seems like years weeks of ....

Mon: hamburger patties 

Tue: chicken breasts 

Wed: frozen pasta bowls 

Thu: repeat

Mr. Man and I have decided to start "trying new things" as far as meals go. So, I broke out the cook book and we started looking through it.

 

So far we've tried TWO new recipes this week and both were home-runs! 

 And, all though I didn't get any pictures of the Pepper-Lime Chicken, I did manage a few of the ribs! I made the sauce (changed it, there was just no way I was going to put 2 frickin teaspoons of chili powder in there!), Mr. Man did the grillin', and even Da Boy joined in and "painted" the ribs with our sauce! 

 (I still think ours look better than the book's picture of the ribs!) Anyways ... we've picked out a ton of other recipes from the book, and  if I remember I'll post about how those turn out too! I may not be Betty Crocker, but at least the boys and I won't starve ;)

~M

Wordful Wednesday-Phone Photo Memories

Isn't taking pictures with your phone so much fun?! I love it, I just wish I had a better phone, and therefore, a better camera in it. Here are my favorite camera shots from my lousy phone. I'm hoping to get a better phone soon, so maybe next time I'll have better pics for you! I did my best to make these photos better through photoshop - at least now you can see what the pictures are of!

Da Boy - we called him "Spike" for 2 days

(5-6 months ago)

Self portrait - my new haircut

(6 months ago maybe?)

(2009) Mr. Man makin' a funny at a restaurant.

(2009) I told them "Make nice funny faces"

(to boys 'nice' = calm)

Mr. Man and Sissy T at her

going away party in SoCal (2009)

 Adso when he was teensy. He was so friggin cute.

(2008) 

Sora, the day we brought him home. No, his head

really isn't that blurry. (2009)

Da Boy at Grandma's house, making pancakes

(Thanksgiving 2009)

Me - 2nd place as a Faerie for Halloween at

Casino Fandango (2008)

Da Boy on his best behavior waiting in the 

church office. (2009)

The one in which Da Boy steals my camera

 I plugged in the camera this morning to upload a photo of Da Boy I had taken last Wednesday, the day before he left for his birth dad's house. Then I saw that he had gotten all "photographer" on me again and took 97 pictures with it when I asked him to bring me the camera. 97 yeah. Most of which were out of focus snaps of the TV and the cats. Oh, and his feet. He did, however, get a couple of Mr. Man and I that aren't too bad at all! Here are the pics I had planned to post, and a few of his best shots.

**** Da Boy's Photoshoot starts below!!****

Weekend of Awesome

Happy Monday, all! I can only hope your weekend was as full of awesome as ours was! Friday night, Mr. Man and Da Boy got crazy doing laundry, and I couldn't resist grabbing the camera. Most of the pictures that we took (Da Boy snagged the camera from me and snapped several) didn't turn out too well, seems like my camera doesn't do 'action' very well! :)

This is how it all started! 

Yes, that's Da Boy as Mr. Man dumps all the clean laundry on him

Then came the "sock fight"

I only wish I had thought to do a video instead of photos. 

Would have been epic!

Saturday, Mr. Man, Da Boy and I hopped in the car and drove over to the Nevada State Railroad Museum for our first family train ride.

As they blew the train whistle and I snapped this pic,  I realized how awesome it is to be Da Boy's Mom.

After the train ride, we gave Day Boy the first installment of his allowance - Three whole dollars per week, for doing his chore list. Which, by the way, is no simple task! It includes helping with dishes, taking out his trash and helping with the laundry (hence the sock fight above!). He's been doing great, so he got his allowance.  We took him to Target and he picked out some Hot Wheels cars and paid for them himself. I've never seen him prouder. Wish I'd had the camera with me for that! 

Later that afternoon we hooked up with my "adopted" parents, Alice and Lou, for church. Service and worship were amazing, as usual, and Pastor Bill really hit the nail on the head with some points about staying with God's plan, even when it seems like it's changing. It really made me think about this new blog design business I'm opening (tomorrow, hint-hint). But, we'll talk about that later...

After church, the whole famn-damily went to the chinese restaurant for dinner and then we headed out to see the Comstock Cowboys perform at the Carson City Rendezvous.  It was a lot of fun (except the part where Da Boy ran away, off into the grass all the way to the cars before I finally caught up with him and just about whacked him one in public!) The music was great and all the ladies and gentlemen in their costumes were wonderful.

Sunday we took it easy, and enjoyed a yummy dinner out in our front yard. It was pretty laid-back for the most part, and today it's "catch up" time. The grand opening for iSparkle Designs is tomorrow, and needless to say - I'm not ready. But - it'll work for now, and I think as long as I can get some more followers on that blog, it'll turn out just fine. Time for me to go, however, Da Boy is chanting "I unnnnry" at me and begging for lunch.

The good, the bad, and the walker

This last week has just been crazy. My epidural for my back has failed, and there are some days where I cannot walk unsupported. I've borrowed a walker from a friend and have been using that when the pain gets out of control. I went to see Dr. Jones on Thursday and after talking with him (He couldn't believe I have this disease and am only 30 years old) he set up an EMG test for me. The problem with that, is that it's on Tuesday and I have no one to watch Da Boy. This test includes a bunch of needles and some pain, so I can't have him sitting there watching.

The good in all this is that Da Boy is back with us, and it's been Ah-maaaazing! I don't know where my hope would be with Mr. Man and Da Boy. They take such good care of me when I'm hurting, and have both been pouring on the love for Mama. I am indeed the world's luckiest woman in this area.

I have good days, they aren't all pain-filled and miserable. Sometimes, I don't take any pain meds at all. Other days, I only survive because of them. I cannot know what the future holds for me, but I DO know that I am not alone. I have you, my faithful readers (wink wink, nudge nudge), my loving family, my good friends, my coffee, and my God.

Things that make me smile

There are so many things in my life that make me smile, but sometimes, I can't think of a single one. I get sad or depressed, worried and anxious, and just need a little 'pick-me-up'. Here are some of my favorite one-liners from our family that make me smile again...


From Da Boy:

"Mom, can I have more milk in my bowl, but no more Wucky Charms?"
"Dear God, bless us to eat our food and help us to go to church. Dear God, Amen"
"Mommy, I think you're booiful"
"Can you put my car in your purse, and my rock...and can I had one bubble dum?"


From Mr. Man:


"How's my sexy woman of God?"
" I don't have to have sweet dreams, I have you."
"You wanna be an archaeologist...we can get a metal detector, and a shovel, go out in the backyard..."
"3 hairs" (he knows what I'm talkin' about)

I love my boys!