Unfinished Business

I am Unfinished Business. I really am.
You'd be shocked if I told you how many projects I've started but never completed, how many times I said "I'm keeping that so I can use it to make _________" and never again even thought about it. How often I told my husband "Yeah I'll call so-and-so and take care of that!" or "I'm so upset, I'm going to write that company a letter!" Never happened. Never got done. Or how many times I swore I'd write out my testimony, back up my computer, or get together with a friend.

Didyouknow

February 7

When you tell someone a goal or thing you’re planning on doing, it chemically satisfies your brain in a manner that’s similar to having actually completed the goal. Source Video: http://did-you-kno.tumblr.com/

Sorry, ANYways.... ((that just took over 10 minutes to find that damn quote on Facebook, because I knew I'd seen it, but didn't know where. )) 

Right. Unfinished business. That's me. It's been a very roller-coaster year. I will explain... no there is too much, let me sum up.

It's been almost 14 months since my Hysterectomy. I'm still on antidepressants.

Da Boy's birth-father met and moved in with a woman and her 3 children in a different town, making it a huge pain in the ass regarding school and such. There were some issues with da boy being called names and being picked on by his new 'step-mother' (kind of, since they aren't married) but that seems to have cooled off since I confronted his birth-father about it.

I finally met our next door neighbors, thanks to Da Boy and the neighbor's kid Alex. His mom is Kathy, and we've become very close. She is a huge blessing in my life, and I wouldn't trade her for the world.

Sissy T and her man got married in early September. This was a good thing, but still rather stressful for me and Mr. Man. We are very happy for them.

Later in September, my heart-dad Jack became suddenly very ill and I flew up to WA State to see him. He died the day before my birthday.

In October, Sissy T and he new hubby moved in with us. They lived with us until the week before Christmas.

On December 15th, Mr. Man and I renewed our vows and had our marriage blessed by our church and pastor. It was beautiful and magical, I have 11 pictures to prove it ;)

My back has been getting worse and worse. I now spend most of my days in a wheelchair, with my cane handy at all times, since the chair doesn't fit through half of the doorways in this house (including the bathrooms!) I've been through just about every prescription pain medication there is, and have not found anything that really cuts the pain. The doctors don't know what to do, and the insurance won't approve anything the doctors suggest.

Mr. Man and I have been skipping church, putting off get-togethers and basically just spending time together. I dislike going anywhere much, as it's a bitch to get the wheelchair in and out of the car, and then Mr. Man has to take care of everything and I detest the way people look at me. I am ashamed of my physical problems and I feel useless and pointless and like I'm just a hassle. I feel like I don't/ can't contribute anything positive to our life anymore.  This has nothing to do with my husband - he is so good to me, and makes it all better when he's here. But when he's not ...it all comes flooding back.

I try to pray. I try to push aside the demons and force myself to see the positive. It's not ALL bad, it's just hard for me to see the good. Today, I got an amazing letter from a friend, I want to share it with you....

Hello there sweetie,
I was just thinking about you this morning - thinking about how much pain you live with and how hard it is to stay positive when you don't feel well. I know that you try to focus on the blessings: your wonderful husband who loves you, your adorable son, your salvation, your art. I want to encourage you, but I don't know how. I want to make your pain go away but I don't know how. I want to tell you that things will get better, but I don't know that they will.
This one thing I can say. Your life is important. Even though you are limited in what you are able to do, God has not left you without a purpose. You have assignments. There are certain people that only you can encourage and inspire. You reflect a particular aspect of God's glory that no one else can. Your son is learning how to worship, pray, and depend on God from YOU.
Don't let the devil steal your hope. Don't let him draw you into self-pity. Don't let him convince you to curl up in a ball and die. The kingdom needs you, Miranda. We need your testimony. We need your courage. We need your perseverance. There are so many who are suffering, who are looking for heroes (and heroines). Champions of pain. People who suffer well - who suffer like Jesus.
If you can't get out of bed, pray for others! Pray for our church, our pastor, our leaders. Ask God who you might call on the phone and encourage. Ask Him for specific scriptures for people and then text it to them. Write to people on facebook and ask them what they need prayer for. If you are able to sit up and visit, invite someone to come and have a cup of tea with you. There are so many who are lonely and need fellowship. When we are hurting, the devil just loves to make us turn inward and feel useless. One of the quickest ways to shake off his life-sucking tentacles is to bless someone else! Give the devil a black eye! You ARE a blessing, Miranda. You are a blessing.
I love you
G

This letter REALLY got to me. She spoke to my heart, without any knowledge of how I was feeling (we haven't talked in awhile) and she nailed it. I want to 'encourage and inspire'. I want to suffer like Jesus. I want to bless someone else. I just don't want to have to 'do' it. I guess the best way to put it is that I have no motivation to do anything other than stew in my own juices. So here's what I am GOING TO DO...(for real, I mean it)

I am going to pray for people. I am going to pass on prayer requests on FB and I am going encourage the people who post them. I am going to type up my testimony here and then (oh god) I'm going to post THAT on FB as well. I am going to go to church on Sunday.

It may not sound like much, but even just typing it out makes me shake. It also makes me feel determined. And scared. And a teeny bit brave.

 ~M

 

Maybe I really am going crazy

I think I wouldn't mind if I never left the house again. Although, I wonder how long it would be before someone noticed (besides Mr. Man and DaBoy) I could listen to church online, update my FB status with thoughts on the sermon, share antidotes about daily life, and I doubt anyone would know the difference.

I mean, except me.


I don't mind going to Walmart, or maybe out for some Keno, or even Quizno's. But going places where I know people.... yeah I think I'm ok not doing that anymore. I'm sick of the pretending, "How do I feel? Like I ought to be swinging from my neck in the shower I'm doin' alright, better all the time, you?"  the fake smiles, the little social lies "Oh we need to get together! Let's have lunch" (we ain't never havin' lunch, and you damn well know it) and all the rest.

I'm pretty sure I could pull it off. Well, just as long as no one ever came to the house looking for me. ;)














 




 







 



 

Good Friday? Rant...

I love how, as a Christian, I am expected to allow people to walk all over me. To say things that hurt me, piss me off, or demean me - but I'm not allowed to 'get my feelings hurt' 'get pissed off' or say anything back to them. I'm just supposed to let it go, smile, and pretend that they aren't total idiots (therefore proving myself to be one). Gee, thanks for that.

Why is that? I'm beginning to hate facebook because of this. People seem bent on saying things on there that not only are rude, crude, and otherwise totally unacceptable, yet somehow if I contradict them in any manner, I'm the bad guy!! WTF?! Seriously ... I'm really done with people thinking I don't care if they tell me abortion is right, gay marriage is cool, or giving birth in hospitals is bad (and I'm pretty sure this includes breast feeding too, OMW).

Yes, I know .. calm down Miranda. It's Good Friday, think about the sacrifice that Christ made for you - don't downplay it by getting all worked up over something that isn't worth it. But you know what? This isn't just about today .. this shit happens all the time, and I'm finally fed up. I believe it's time to sever some connections, clean up the mess, get rid of the problem. Burn those bridges that lead to harmful and scary places. I'm afraid to, though. I'm afraid because I know that I will be the 'bitch' for doing it - I don't want to lose friends .. I don't have enough to be losing. But is it worth keeping these friendships - and the cost of my emotional balance, my inner peace? My stress levels are through the roof, and everytime I get upset like this, ya know what happens next? I can guarantee that within 24 hours my back will be out, with shooting pains down my legs and a migraine, and I'll be hurting again, not just emotionally, but physically. 

I'll end up being a pariah on FB to those people. And not just FB, but a number of other sites, where we all connect. Is it worth it; to maybe be cast away from my other friends because of these few people that are making me crazy? Am I the one in the wrong here? I don't know .. I'm sure some people reading this are laughing because this is all my own fault and here I am bitching about it and blaming others. I know that I have a hand in this, I realize that. I have my own issues that I have to deal with and part of that is just that I see these people with things that I wish to have, that don't treasure them. They have this most wonderful treasure and they do nothing but complain and gripe and treat it like it doesn't mean anything - yet I would give anything for the blessing they have.

I'm not sure what to do right now .. ranting about it has helped a little, but now it's time to act on it. What to do - sever the ties and move on, or smile and plot their deaths in my head?

Chariots of Fire

16 “Don’t be afraid!” Elisha told him. “For there are more on our side than on theirs!” 17 Then Elisha prayed, “O Lord, open his eyes and let him see!” The Lord opened the young man’s eyes, and when he looked up, he saw that the hillside around Elisha was filled with horses and chariots of fire.
2 Kings 6:16-17

I've been struggling hard for the last week to remember this passage. It seems like the Enemy has been gunning for me lately, and I feel my defenses being routed. I keep falling into his traps and pitfalls, and it's getting harder and harder to get back up and doggedly march on. I worry all the time; about my body, money (or lack thereof), my family, my husband's job, my church, my friends, my relationship with God... everything. I don't really have cause to worry so much about these things, considering most of them are fine and will take care of themselves. But I can't help it. I lay awake at night praying, asking God for some kind of sign, maybe a letter in the mail saying "Relax, daughter, I really do have everything in hand." Or even just a text, you know - "I got dis 4U no worryz k?" I mean really, would it be so hard for Him to make those chariots visible to me once in awhile? I know they are there - I know that He's got my back in this fight. I wish I could just get out of this funk - I feel like I'm in the middle of a bad dream and can't wake up.

The problem with the whole thing is this - there's absolutely NO reason for me to feel this way! My life is really super good right now! I have an amazing husband, a fantastic son, and a wonderful home to live in! I've been blessed with friends that really care for me and for whom I care deeply. A church family that has brought me to Christ and taught me that no one need ever feel alone. How can I even think of feeling depressed?! I don't know, but somehow I still do. I find myself getting angry, frustrated and anxious for no apparent reasons, quite a bit more frequently than is called for. It seems I can't avoid it, or control it. I try to pray it away and end up just mentally listing all the reasons I feel unloved, ignored, angry or slighted. Then I get mad at myself for complaining (because I know my complaints are unfounded) and start the cycle over again.

So where are my Chariots of Fire? God's army backing me up against the enemy? I know they are there... I just wish God would open my eyes to them.

New Miranda-ized Dictionary

sigh

1. A deep and prolonged audible inspiration or respiration of air, as when fatigued, frustrated, grieved, or relieved; the act of sighing.

grr

1. A growl of anger or disappointment.

pfft

1. Used to signify sarcasm or disagreement

I have spent the last several days in a state of "sigh,grr,pfft" After realizing this, I started noticing that not only was I feeling "sigh,grr,pfft"... but I was renaming things because of it.

1. Maxi Pad - now renamed "Comfort Sucker" because, well, that's what it does.

2. Tampon - renamed "Comfort sucker on a stick" see #1

3. Wrist Brace - renamed  "stupid, friggin 2 by 4 strapped to my arm" no explanation needed.

4. Coffee - renamed "Life giving substance" (see don't these words just make more sense? I mean really... what does coffee actually mean?)

5. Our youngest cat Sora - renamed "ass-hat-cat" see pictures below

(Sora in our overhead kitchen light fixture)

6. Our older cat Adso - renamed "Mommy man-cat"  see pics below

 (Adso, grooming and protecting Sora while he slept on their "blankie")

 

7. Dollar Tree - now renamed "Cheap Man's Mecca" and a place I could spend my entire paycheck in one run.

8. Our 2 year old goldfish 'Memo' (yes I know it's Nemo, but Josh will fight you on that for hours) has been renamed "Dead Fish Swimming" due to the fact that he will.not.die. Seriously. The only time I clean his tank is when I literally cannot see him anymore.

(Note the green algae and stagnant water,
I think he actually likes it better this way)

9. Tolkien's 'Silmarillion' - now renamed "book from Middle-Earth Hell" considering I've been trying to read it for about 2 months now, and I'm not done yet. (It's never taken me 3 weeks to read a book before. Well, except the Bible)

10. Facebook - renamed "that place I HATE because my farm won't load and everybody else's facebook has updated but not mine and I can't do anything on there and I hate it!"

Sigh.            ......grrrrr.....           Pfft!

Princesses, surgeons, & snowmen

It's 9 AM - do you know where your hand surgeon is? GUESS WHAT FOLKS?! It's consult day with my new hand doctor! Don't worry, I'm not late yet - my appointment is at 1:30pm. I think.. maybe 1:10pm? I guess I'd better call and make sure. lol

What an interesting, tear-filled, headache inducing last week/weekend I've had. Boy, I don't even know where to start. Guess I should start out by apologizing. So, I'm sorry I didn't post much this last week - and that which I did post, kinda sucked. It's not that I didn't have anything to post about (because really I did!!) I just wasn't feeling up to sharing. So, forgive me, and I'll fill you in about my last week and weekend.

Tuesday and Wednesday last week were great for the most part! Da Boy and I crafted, all three of us went to church (I do childcare and MrMan works in the tech booth) It was great. I even took pics of the things that Da Boy and I made... wanna see?

Da Boy, crafting! 

  

This was our sugar sprinkles heart we made for Daddy 

 I has a fishie!

Close up of fishie.

Snowmen! Mine has green buttons, Da Boy chose red buttons.

I made him a flower, and he spent half the day with it :)

On Thursday, I took Da Boy to daycare so his birth father could pick him up - it'll be 2 weeks before I see him again. February 10th, to be exact. Afterwards, I met Princess for coffee, which believe me - I needed that!! She is always so uplifting and real - I just love this gal! I don't know what I would do without these "coffee breaks" with my friend. Oh, and remember me telling you about the Pastor's wife whom I cried over last week? Well, she's gonna go to coffee with us next time!!  squee

I spent Friday cleaning the house - literally from top to bottom so that no one would be embarrassed when Princess and her hubz came over that night with our new table! Yay!! We weren't sure we were going to get said table, but in the end it was perfect for us and we love it! You would have a pic, but my camera battery is charging and I'm too lazy to go and check to see if it's ready. I have too many other things to tell you first!

Saturday was church, and it was fantabuloso! Sunday, however, was a bit different. Sunday, our church held a "members only" meeting, and we voted in our new Pastor. I was totally overwhelmed by the whole thing, and cried through most of it. Not because I was upset or disappointed, (I'm actually happy and excited about it) but because I just flat-out couldn't find a better way to express my emotions. My Mom used to tell me I "cry for everyone that can't" - in other words I cry all the damn time, and over some of the most ridiculous things.

Today I have my consult meeting with the hand surgeon (at 1:30, I just checked), although I'm having second thoughts about the surgery. Since my last doctor appt with Dr. Yamamoto, my cyst has shrunken so much that I can move it back and forth and mostly without pain. I can type, do dishes and laundry, and my own hair (thank you very much!) I know some of it has to do with the meds the doctor put me on, but I also know that most of it has to do with God, and the fact (that I didn't know) that I had several people praying for healing for me. Can I get an Amen?


So, until 1pm, I'm going to sit here and work on a new blog design - eventually I will have my own, custom design and not a pre-built template! At least, that's the plan. I wish I could draw... I know the art I want, I just don't know anyone who will do it for free. Cuz yeah, I'm broke. Well, I'm too broke to pay for art for a blog anyways.

I miss Da Boy like crazy, but I'm not gonna let that get me down right now. I have work tonight, and the little hellions will keep me too busy to think about him it'll be fun to hang out with all the little ones.

My weekend in review

This last weekend was a doozy - I'm still reeling from certain aspects of it, and I don't expect that to change anytime soon. A few months ago, we were notified that our senior Pastor would be leaving to start a new church in California, and needless to say, I found the news a bit... stressful. Last Tuesday we were notified that another of our Pastors would be moving on, and that the Saturday service would be a "send off" for him and his wife.So, sick though we've been, Mr. Man, Da Boy and I made it to church. The place was packed! The only time we have that many people on a Saturday is for Easter or Christmas services. After a stirring worship session and a powerful sermon, they brought up the Pastor and his wife. It was explained that they have heard the call of the Lord and will be moving to our newest affiliate church in North Lake Tahoe. Then, like 3/4 of the church stood up and walked to the stage! All of these extra people were from the other church - come to welcome their new Pastor. WOW! I was astonished! What a fantastic gesture! Then they said the name of the church. My eyes got big, my head snapped up, and all of a sudden I couldn't seem to breathe. It just happens to be the church I married my first husband in. It also just happens to be the church Mr. Man's ex-wife and husband go to. You have got to be kidding me. Then, as I looked into the face of our ex-Pastor's wife, I started crying. I don't know her well, we haven't become 'friends' or anything,  but I can't imagine her not being there anymore. She is the one that handed me the sponsor packet for our little girl in Africa. She called me by name when she handed it to me saying "Miranda, this one is for you." At the time, I didn't even know she knew my name. Since then, we've shared a couple of jokes (they are form Texas, I used to live there also) we've talked about Da Boy and potty training, and wished each other a Merry Christmas with a hug. So why was I blubbering like a baby? Because she had tears in her eyes? No ... it's because I'm so absolutely sick of losing people.  They just keep leaving, and it seems that when they do - they never come back. They either pass on to Glory, or move too far to visit, or whatever, but I never see them again and I'm totally fed up with it. There's a reason I like things the way they are. Seems to me when things change, it's not usually for the better. Hhmmmpp.


What? There's more, you ask? Oh, that's just the beginning of my weekend! After church, Chris (who also had tears in his eyes, thank you very much!) offers to take us to one of the casinos for dinner at their cafe. We get there, Da Boy has fallen asleep in the backseat, I carry him in and we sit down. We order our dinners - Chris got a sandwich with green chilies, Da Boy orders a hot dog, and I get a taco salad. We all color Da Boy's menu while we wait (I was going to scan it in for you, but I'm too friggin lazy. Just know that it was awesome) and begin to devour it when the food arrives.  Chris is done first (of course) and as I'm taking my 4th bite of salad his work phone rings. He answers it (because he's on call this week) and I hear "Yeah I'll be there as soon as I can". I look around the table - Chris is done, Da Boy is working on an onion ring and has half of his hot dog left, and I haven't even made a dent in my dinner yet. Ok. So I chase after the waitress and get two to-go boxes and the check. We hightail it out of there and race home. Chris jumps in his work truck and Da Boy and I sit down to finish our dinner. Da Boy asks when Daddy will be home and I say "soon honey, it won't take too long". HA! HA! Friggin HA! That was at 7pm. Da Boy and I played his little bingo game and two rounds of checkers. I gave him a bath and read him a story, I put him to bed at 9:15.  By midnight I was so tired I could barely stand and I'd cleaned everything short of the toilets and the floors. I'd read some of my book, I'd colored in my coloring book (shuddup, I like it) I'd checked my farm on facebook. Da Boy woke up at 12:30 and told me "I can't go to sleep" I put him back in bed where he promptly fell back to sleep. Chris finally made it home at 1:30 in the morning. Sigh.

Sunday (what, you think my weekend was only one day long?) was our "rest up" day. Da Boy woke up around 8am and I got up with him, trying to let Chris sleep a bit. I get Da Boy all settled with cereal and orange slices and Sesame Street, and I grab my coffee and head outside for a cigarette. I put my foot on the one step down to the garage, and fall. Seriously. Somehow as I am falling, I manage to spill all of the coffee in my cup, yet set the thing down softly and upright directly in front of me. I thought my ankle is broken. It's not, thankfully, but it certainly felt like it. I managed to get back up, hobble into the kitchen and call Da Boy to help me. He runs over, helps me out of my hazel-nut drenched sweater, and pulls up my pant leg to see if I am bleeding (I love my little doctor) Since I wasn't, I refill my coffee cup and head (slowly) back outside. By the time I get back in, Chris is up, and I am having trouble walking. My leg is fine, but my back is out. Grrrrr.

We spent the rest of the day, alternating between watching football, napping, and playing games - all with me on the heating pad.

You think Mondays suck? I'll trade you your Monday for my weekend anytime!

Changes

Why must things always change, right when I'm getting used to them? What IS that? Is it me? Seems like everytime I get into something, I start feeling comfortable and then WHAM! the whole thing gets turned upside down and inside out.

What am I talking about? I'm talking about my church. Which also happens to be my workplace. *sigh* Before Chris and I started going to CVC, we hadn't been going to church at all. Our previous church was out of the question; the people were rude, the church did nothing but ask for money, and it just wasn't working out - we weren't learning anything. We didn't 'feel' it.

The first time I went to CVC, I didn't really want to go. I didn't want to have to deal with the whole 'give God your money and you'll go to heaven' rigamorol. So, I took a deep breath and waited for it to come. It never did. I spent that hour and a half entranced by the music, the fellowship, the sermon. Mostly, I was entranced by the Pastor. Everything he said that day was designed specifically for me and about the things that were going on it my life. Right then and there I knew I'd found it. Finally, I'd found my "home church". I re-affirmed my pledge to Jesus and haven't looked back once. So many things in my life have changed since then. God has been working overtime in my life. Every Saturday, we go to church, and every Saturday I learn something, about God, about the bible, about myself.

Pastor John has changed my life. I am totally ok with that change. The change I'm having trouble with is this...

He's leaving. They've changed the name of the church from Carson Valley Christian Center to LifePoint Church. Why? I have no idea. I'm a little distressed about the name change, but I can live with it (Why on Earth would they chose 'Life Point' when there are 15 kazillion churches called that?) What I'm having trouble with is the fact that the one person who has EVER been able to lead me to Jesus and KEEP me there is going away. It may sound absurd but I feel a bit abandoned. Like a Dad who decides that he doesn't want to live with his wife and kids anymore, and says he's leaving. Maybe it's because I had just found God for the first time about a month before my Dad passed away. I don't know - and that's not something I'm inclined to get into right here right now. All I know is that all this is changing and I'm stressed about it. I can't stop thinking about this, and I don't know what to do. I can't change it, I know that. I need to change my reaction to it. But how? I've been praying about it everyday since I found out, and yet God doesn't seem to want to help me work it out. I don't even know where Pastor John is going, I just know he's leaving. Who is going to be our new Pastor? I have an idea, but I pray and hope that I'm wrong. If I'm not, I know for a fact that several families will not be attending church there any longer. Ours will be one of them, I'm afraid.  I don't want to leave CVC, uh, LifePoint, but we'll have to see what happens I guess. I'm not going to quit my new job, I can tell you that for sure!! But what if when the new Pastor starts up, the church loses that 'feel'? *sigh* I really don't know what to do, think, feel, etc... and I don't know who I can talk to about it, besides God, and he doesn't seem to want to chat about it.