Friday, January 29, 2010

LOLCat Bible?!

Can they be serious?1 Oh yes they can.... (found this on Wikipedia, no jokez, kthxbai)  For those of you that aren't familiar with reading lolzcat - everything is phonetics and it actually does make sense, if you read it out loud :)

Lolcat Bible - Genesis Chapter 1

1 Oh hai. In teh beginnin Ceiling Cat maded teh skiez An da Urfs, but he did not eated dem.
2 Da Urfs no had shapez An haded dark face, An Ceiling Cat rode invisible bike over teh waterz.
3 At start, no has lyte. An Ceiling Cat sayz, i can haz lite? An lite wuz.4 An Ceiling Cat sawed teh lite, to seez stuffs, An splitted teh lite from dark but taht wuz ok cuz kittehs can see in teh dark An not tripz over nethin.5 An Ceiling Cat sayed light Day An dark no Day. It were FURST!!!1
6 An Ceiling Cat sayed, im in ur waterz makin a ceiling. But he no yet make a ur. An he maded a hole in teh Ceiling.7 An Ceiling Cat doed teh skiez with waterz down An waterz up. It happen.8 An Ceiling Cat sayed, i can has teh firmmint wich iz funny bibel naim 4 ceiling, so wuz teh twoth day.
9 An Ceiling Cat gotted all teh waterz in ur base, An Ceiling Cat hadz dry placez cuz kittehs DO NOT WANT get wet.10 An Ceiling Cat called no waterz urth and waters oshun. Iz good.
11 An Ceiling Cat sayed, DO WANT grass! so tehr wuz seedz An stufs, An fruitzors An vegbatels. An a Corm. It happen.12 An Ceiling Cat sawed that weedz ish good, so, letz there be weedz.13 An so teh threeth day jazzhands.
14 An Ceiling Cat sayed, i can has lightz in the skiez for splittin day An no day.15 It happen, lights everwear, like christmass, srsly.16 An Ceiling Cat doeth two grate lightz, teh most big for day, teh other for no day.17 An Ceiling Cat screw tehm on skiez, with big nails An stuff, to lite teh Urfs.18 An tehy rulez day An night. Ceiling Cat sawed. Iz good.19 An so teh furth day w00t.
20 An Ceiling Cat sayed, waterz bring me phishes, An burds, so kittehs can eat dem. But Ceiling Cat no eated dem.21 An Ceiling Cat maed big fishies An see monstrs, which wuz like big cows, except they no mood, An other stuffs dat mooves, An Ceiling Cat sawed iz good.22 An Ceiling Cat sed O hai, make bebehs kthx. An dont worry i wont watch u secksy, i not that kynd uf kitteh.23 An so teh...fith day. Ceiling Cat taek a wile 2 cawnt.
24 An Ceiling Cat sayed, i can has MOAR living stuff, mooes, An creepie tings, An otehr aminals. It happen so tehre.25 An Ceiling Cat doed moar living stuff, mooes, An creepies, An otehr animuls, An did not eated tehm.
26 An Ceiling Cat sayed, letz us do peeps like uz, becuz we ish teh qte, An let min p0wnz0r becuz tehy has can openers.
27 So Ceiling Cat createded teh peeps taht waz like him, can has can openers he maed tehm, min An womin wuz maeded, but he did not eated tehm.
28 An Ceiling Cat sed them O hai maek bebehs kthx, An p0wn teh waterz, no waterz An teh firmmint, An evry stufs.
29 An Ceiling Cat sayed, Beholdt, the Urfs, I has it, An I has not eated it.30 For evry createded stufs tehre are the fuudz, to the burdies, teh creepiez, An teh mooes, so tehre. It happen. Iz good.
31 An Ceiling Cat sayed, Beholdt, teh good enouf for releaze as version 0.8a. kthxbai.




You think you've seen it all? I thought so too, until I found Psalms in LOLcat too... *headdesk*

Monday, January 25, 2010

My weekend in review

This last weekend was a doozy - I'm still reeling from certain aspects of it, and I don't expect that to change anytime soon. A few months ago, we were notified that our senior Pastor would be leaving to start a new church in California, and needless to say, I found the news a bit... stressful. Last Tuesday we were notified that another of our Pastors would be moving on, and that the Saturday service would be a "send off" for him and his wife.So, sick though we've been, Mr. Man, Da Boy and I made it to church. The place was packed! The only time we have that many people on a Saturday is for Easter or Christmas services. After a stirring worship session and a powerful sermon, they brought up the Pastor and his wife. It was explained that they have heard the call of the Lord and will be moving to our newest affiliate church in North Lake Tahoe. Then, like 3/4 of the church stood up and walked to the stage! All of these extra people were from the other church - come to welcome their new Pastor. WOW! I was astonished! What a fantastic gesture! Then they said the name of the church. My eyes got big, my head snapped up, and all of a sudden I couldn't seem to breathe. It just happens to be the church I married my first husband in. It also just happens to be the church Mr. Man's ex-wife and husband go to. You have got to be kidding me. Then, as I looked into the face of our ex-Pastor's wife, I started crying. I don't know her well, we haven't become 'friends' or anything,  but I can't imagine her not being there anymore. She is the one that handed me the sponsor packet for our little girl in Africa. She called me by name when she handed it to me saying "Miranda, this one is for you." At the time, I didn't even know she knew my name. Since then, we've shared a couple of jokes (they are form Texas, I used to live there also) we've talked about Da Boy and potty training, and wished each other a Merry Christmas with a hug. So why was I blubbering like a baby? Because she had tears in her eyes? No ... it's because I'm so absolutely sick of losing people.  They just keep leaving, and it seems that when they do - they never come back. They either pass on to Glory, or move too far to visit, or whatever, but I never see them again and I'm totally fed up with it. There's a reason I like things the way they are. Seems to me when things change, it's not usually for the better. Hhmmmpp.

What? There's more, you ask? Oh, that's just the beginning of my weekend! After church, Chris (who also had tears in his eyes, thank you very much!) offers to take us to one of the casinos for dinner at their cafe. We get there, Da Boy has fallen asleep in the backseat, I carry him in and we sit down. We order our dinners - Chris got a sandwich with green chilies, Da Boy orders a hot dog, and I get a taco salad. We all color Da Boy's menu while we wait (I was going to scan it in for you, but I'm too friggin lazy. Just know that it was awesome) and begin to devour it when the food arrives.  Chris is done first (of course) and as I'm taking my 4th bite of salad his work phone rings. He answers it (because he's on call this week) and I hear "Yeah I'll be there as soon as I can". I look around the table - Chris is done, Da Boy is working on an onion ring and has half of his hot dog left, and I haven't even made a dent in my dinner yet. Ok. So I chase after the waitress and get two to-go boxes and the check. We hightail it out of there and race home. Chris jumps in his work truck and Da Boy and I sit down to finish our dinner. Da Boy asks when Daddy will be home and I say "soon honey, it won't take too long". HA! HA! Friggin HA! That was at 7pm. Da Boy and I played his little bingo game and two rounds of checkers. I gave him a bath and read him a story, I put him to bed at 9:15.  By midnight I was so tired I could barely stand and I'd cleaned everything short of the toilets and the floors. I'd read some of my book, I'd colored in my coloring book (shuddup, I like it) I'd checked my farm on facebook. Da Boy woke up at 12:30 and told me "I can't go to sleep" I put him back in bed where he promptly fell back to sleep. Chris finally made it home at 1:30 in the morning. Sigh.

Sunday (what, you think my weekend was only one day long?) was our "rest up" day. Da Boy woke up around 8am and I got up with him, trying to let Chris sleep a bit. I get Da Boy all settled with cereal and orange slices and Sesame Street, and I grab my coffee and head outside for a cigarette. I put my foot on the one step down to the garage, and fall. Seriously. Somehow as I am falling, I manage to spill all of the coffee in my cup, yet set the thing down softly and upright directly in front of me. I thought my ankle is broken. It's not, thankfully, but it certainly felt like it. I managed to get back up, hobble into the kitchen and call Da Boy to help me. He runs over, helps me out of my hazel-nut drenched sweater, and pulls up my pant leg to see if I am bleeding (I love my little doctor) Since I wasn't, I refill my coffee cup and head (slowly) back outside. By the time I get back in, Chris is up, and I am having trouble walking. My leg is fine, but my back is out. Grrrrr.

We spent the rest of the day, alternating between watching football, napping, and playing games - all with me on the heating pad.

You think Mondays suck? I'll trade you your Monday for my weekend anytime!

Thursday, January 21, 2010

Back on the Mucus Merry-go-round

Well, I knew it was going to happen. Last week at work, there was a little boy, Simon, who was all snotty and cranky and coughing, and I took one look at him and I just knew I was gonna get it.

So here we are. Mr. Man, Da Boy, and I. Back on the mucus merry-go-round. Full-time workers at the snot factory. At 4:30 this morning Da Boy comes in our bedroom, goes to Mr. Man's side of the bed and say's...

Daddy, daddy?

I hear a low groan beside me sounds like "whhhaaaaaaaa"

Daddy, I has a issue! (and he points to his nose)

You have an issue? Huh?

I has an issue? Teeeease? (pointing emphatically at his face, with slime running into his mouth)

Poor guy, I really feel bad for him, both of them actually. Mr. Man has to work, so he's out there in the cold bringing home the bacon, while Da Boy and I sit here sniffing and snuffling, playing Cars bingo and being warm.

So, today I get to email the couples in our growth group and cancel the group meeting at our house on Sunday. There's no way I'm letting 2 families in here to get sick. Don't get me wrong, sharing is good, just not this kind.

Monday, January 18, 2010

I can't believe I said that!

Since Da Boy was about a year and a half old, I've been making a list... a list of things I never thought I'd say. Today I thought I'd share a few of them with you.

We don't put color pencils in our nose
Mommy's going poopie. Yes, you can see.
Ummm, this is Mommy's diaper. No, I don't want one of yours, but thanks.
No, I'm not going to kiss your penis, even if it does have a boo-boo
Will you please take my bra off, it's not a backpack.
If you let me brush your teeth, I'll give you a candy.
No, I don't have boogers, get your finger outta my nose!
We don't touch the kitty's bottom with our faces, please.
Daddy's going potty... go see if he needs help. (heehee)
Where did you put the cat, son?! Cat's do not go in the closet!
Come here let me smell your butt.
Can I suck your thumb too?
Here, lemme get your booger.
No baby, we don't eat christmas tree.
I'll give you a candy if you promise to go away.
Those are my boobies, thank you.
Sorry baby, outside is closed today.
Don't put your tongue in my mouth.
It's finger paints - it'll be fun!
Of course you can use my pots for drums!
Yes you look very pretty in Mommy's headband.
Did it fall on the floor? Give it to me, I'll eat it.
No, we don't hide in the fireplace, please!
Do you want to go see Daddy Dusty? No? Then stop please.

and my favorite, and probably most traumatizing for Da Boy....

If you poop in them, I'm going to make you wash them out in the toilet.
(and he did too!)

Friday, January 15, 2010

Being a 50/50 Mom

Being a fifty/fifty Mom ain't easy. Millions of women do it, and  I can bet maybe 10 of them like it. Personally, I don't. It's terrible. Sure there are times when Da Boy is with his birth dad and Mr. Man and I can go out, or stay in (wink wink, nudge nudge) and not have to worry about Da Boy seeing or hearing something he shouldn't. But every moment he isn't here - I'm thinking of him. Hubby and I tell stories about him to each other, almost like he won't be coming back "Remember how Da Boy says "teesburbur?" Awww.

After he's been here for two weeks (and any mom on Earth will agree) he's made his mark on the place. There is a hot wheel car on the floor by the TV, a lone sock under the coffee table, a couple crayons on the dining room table. The stool is still next to the toilet, and his toys are in the bathtub. and there are at least 2 cups, half filled with strawberry lemonade sitting in various places. When he leaves... I have a hard time cleaning up. I feel like I'm removing all traces of him from our house, our lives - and I hate that! So, I don't. Yeah ok, I'll find and wash the cups, maybe (and I mean maybe!) pick up the sock. The rest... not so much. I like seeing a hot wheels car around, and I'll put his bath toys all together but I leave them in the bathroom, by the tub. I refuse to clean his room until the day before he comes back, because I can go in there when no one else is home and just sit on his bed and it feels like he's still here.

There are a few good things (I feel like a bad mom saying this) about him not being here for two weeks at a time. Chris and I can schedule things and stay out late, get up when we want, and not get dressed just to go get some water. We save money on food, and can eat tator tots and cookies for dinner if we choose. I have more time during the day for things like cleaning, blogging, and reading, and I don't have to take him to work with me.

But it's too quiet. And boring. And lame. I spend half the time depressed, the other half cranky and anxious.I miss him, Chris missed him and the cats ... well the cats actually enjoy it when he's gone for the most part since they don't have to hide up high or run for their lives when Da Boy decides he needs to carry them by their heads. However, I've caught them both sneaking into his room and they will lay on his bed to sleep (which they never ever do when he's here)

Ahhh, when he's here. Just typing it makes me smile. When he's here, life is good. Don't get me wrong, he's still four, and a boy, and my psycho kid, but he makes my heart happy when he comes home. He drives me crazy, and gives me headaches and makes me grind my teeth with cuss words I don't dare utter. But I get kisses, and he plays with my hair, and tells me I'm buuful. I get to be a "dinesorus" and a pirate, and we color and dance and sing. He helps me clean and cook and make lemonade. He tries my patience and pushes the limits, and cries when I don't read him enough bedtime stories. And just about the time we get into the groove and things start getting settled and into a routine... it's time to go back. *sigh*

Being a 50/50 mom sucks... but (like Chris says) "At least I'm blessed enough to have such an awesome kid for fifty percent of my life"

Thursday, January 14, 2010

What's that smell?

So this morning after Mr. Man left for work, I went into the dining room (where my computer lives) turned on the  light and the computer and then  started to get Da Boy settled in (you know; cereal, Lazy Town on TV, and some milk) so I could check my email, facebook and blog.

Got him all squared away, and as I sat down to get online, I smelled something. Smelled like a hot glue gun.
WTH? So I get up and start wandering around the house, sniffing. Da Boy wants to join the fun, so he gets up and starts following me around, sniffing and meowing (yeah).

We finally end up back in the dining room. It’s stronger here, and I’m starting to get worried. I’ve sniffed all the electrical outlets and light switches. The heater vents and the computer. The fish tank and the coffee pot.  Nothing. Can’t find it. Now I’m getting frustrated, and he is getting upset that I don’t wanna play kitty with him. What do I do? I call Mr. Man. (afterall - that's what he's there for, right?)

MM: Hey babe what’s up?
Me: I smell something.
MM:  something like what?
Me: like a hot glue gun, like burning plastic. Seems like it’s centered in the dining room.
MM: Check the Jeep (our dining room door leads to the garage)
Me: I did, it’s not in the garage at all. (I’m still wandering around the dining room, sniffing as I talk)
MM: Burning plastic… did you check the computer?
Me: Yes, it’s not coming from there… it seems to be up high.

I look up. The only thing up there is the light.

Me: Uh oh.
MM: What? Did you find it?
Me: Uh huh, I think so. (I climb up on a chair and look closely at the light. The smell is really strong now)
MM: What is it?
Me: *sigh* Oh no… it’s the light…(I see smoke coming from one of the bulbs)  Wait, hold on, what IS that? I think… ( I get off the chair, go to the other side of the table and get up on that chair) Oh boy… CHILD!!
MM: What’s going on, what did you find???
Me: Son, where is your orange plane?
Da Boy: Up dere. (He points at the light)
Me: (to chris) Josh shot his plane up into the light and it’s melted to the bulb.
MM: Oh. I see. Well at least you found it.

Oh yeah, I found it alright….

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Wordless? Wednesday

They say a picture can speak a thousand words.... Here are a few pictures to ponder (I'll post the words when I have a little more time) ;)

*this is the only pic I took, Da Boy took all the others!*




Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Who needs two hands anyways?

  Just got home from my doctor's appointment. New (to me) doctor, new office... nice place (If I do say so myself) Great staff, very friendly and helpful. Dr. Yamamoto (no joke) got my vote right off, since we're both cack-handed. So he takes a look at my wrist, attempts to move my hand around (yeah, no I don't think so) and says "Looks like a pretty good cyst there. You're going to want to excise that one. Oooooook. Can you do that here, what does that entail? I ask starting to breathe rather shallowly. Oh no, says he, you'll want Dr. Gabriel for this job; he's a hand surgeon. I'll give you a referral.

(that pause.... that was me dying a little inside)

Oh.. ok. Is this pretty serious then?

Well (he smiles) a little, you see... the cyst has developed roots that go under your tendons... to remove it he'll have to open up your hand and get up under your bones and tendons to get it all.

(this pause.... that was me trying not to throw up on the new doctor)

Sigh ... ok, so what do I do now?

Now, you wait until his staff calls you to make an appointment. Here's a RX for Naproxen... should last two weeks, by then you'll have heard from them and you can go see him for a consult.

Now I'm at home with my head spinning and I'm starting to get scared. Yes, I'm happy I have an idea now, but that's about all I'm happy about. So now I get to spend then next two weeks (or until they call me) with my hand wrapped up in an ace bandage (drs orders) and taking naproxen twice a day.

Tell me you've had a better day?

Post It Note Tuesday

Friday, January 08, 2010

Can I get a "Whoop Whoop"!?!

Ok, so!! It's been a few days since my last post. I accept your forgiveness. For you, I give a quick update.
My wrist is no better, and my mood is getting worse. Not only can I barely type, but now my internet is acting sketchy (don'tcha just love it when it all comes together?) My typing has become single-handed, and by that I mean left-handed, fore-fingered, and ssssllloooooowwww. Moving the mouse and clicking the button has become so dreadful that I start to shake when I think about getting online. Now, because of this, and the fact that I can no longer crochet, pick up anything with my right hand, do my own hair/dishes/laundry/etc, or work on my farmville plantation... I've become a bit, shall we say - moody. In other words I've devolved into a ginormous bitch. I'm cranky, bored and cynical.

However!! I'm blessed beyond all measure in that A. I have a very loving and understand husband, B. My friends have either been there and empathize (or seem to be unavailable when I call) and C. I've finally got a doctor's appointment on Tuesday. sqweee

P.S. Church is having an "after Christmas" party tonight. Hopefully, I'll be longing to tell you all about it! Ciao!

Monday, January 04, 2010

Signs, questions, and other random stupidity.

I have had an amazing last few days, my only regret? Not taking my camera with me everywhere I went!! Seriously, it was just unbelievable!

New Years Eve (approx. 4 minutes after midnight) Chris and I are leaving our local casino, where we went for a glass of free champagne and to ring in the new year. We get to the doors, where the valet guy is standing with a woman who is (I assume) waiting for her car to be pulled around. We are all standing in this little "valet" room, and she looks over at us, and says "Did you have a good new year?"

blink. blink.

I'm thinking, what?!?! the new year is like 3 minutes old so far, how could anyone have had a good new year yet? So I smile (instead of busting out laughing) and say "Yeah it's been great so far, thanks."  Now, don't get me wrong, I know she probably meant "new years eve" or "new years party" or some such, but seriously....people, I have one rule. Think before you speak. It really isn't that hard to do, and it will save you from looking like a total idiot as soon as you open your mouth.

I really REALLY should have gotten pics of these, but I didn't so I will do my best to describe them for you.

Chris and I went to our local CVS (pharmacy). As we were leaving, on our left by the door is the little cut-out gambling room. There is a line of slot machines, a bar stool in front of each. On this particular occasion, there was a person (of unknown gender) sitting in the middle bar stool, playing a slot machine. This person was obviously either homeless or traveling or something, as they must have been wearing 4 or 5 shirts/sweaters/jackets. I could see (from behind, mind you) several different colors of shirt tails and corners or zipper pulls hanging down, all filthy. I counted two pairs of pants and noticed mismatched socks and falling apart shoes. Two clashing knitted winter hats. All of this, to me, says 'probably not a model, doctor or senator.' I look up, at the entryway to this room and notice the sign (big, colorful, permanent sign).



Driving home on New Years Eve, Chris and I passed our local Walgreens (guess it's just a pharmacy thing). On their outdoor sign it said..

Happy New Yaers (with the 'E' tipped at an angle)

underneath that I saw

HINI Available.

Oh my word, I just came apart laughing, let me tell you!! My first thought was "hini" as in booty, as in "he pinched my hienie" Oh, now that's something to offer on New Years Eve!! Then Chris says "No babe, I think they mean the H1N1."
I stopped laughing, took a breath, thought about it for half a second and began laughing so hard, that I almost made a mess in the front seat. "Oh so now they are offering the Swine Flu?!?! Bwuahahahahahaa!!"

Yeah, so as you can see - we had an interesting night.

Hope you all had a great New Years Eve! Oh I'm sorry, make that New Yaer's Eve! :)


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