Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Still trying, still failing

Chris and I have been trying to get pregnant for over a year now. Well, ok precisely a year now. Obviously, this anniversary means that we haven't been able to accomplish our goal yet. Just found out a friend from our church is pregnant. I'm so excited for her, yet just for a second there, when we heard the news, my heart broke a little. I couldn't help it. I'm so very happy for them!! I just wish I didn't have that minuscule pang of jealously. I know that God is in charge and it's His will and not mine that controls my life. It's so hard sometimes for me though - hard to "let it go" and hard to have faith. One day, I hope I can post here that I am expecting - until then... *sigh*

Here is a letter I found, written by one of the TTCer's on Made me feel a little better.

To the women that have been trying to conceive for months and are the strongest women in the world!!

DH and I have only been trying a few months and it is so hard. Drink my glass of wine to get my body to relax, force my husband to have sex because it is time (normally you cant get your husband off you, now you are "forcing"), then you have sex and put your butt up in the air (which would normally make you feel like a damn fool, drink a cup of green tea (cause that is what you heard helps the process somehow). Rub a lucky rabbits foot and wait........and wait......every time you get nausea you think "maybe, just maybe it worked this time", everytime you feel more tired then normal, everytime your boobs are more sensitive then normal....everytime......a
nd wait.

All you do is hope and pray, lets not forget the total opposite reaction, the one where you start calling yourself a fool because you don't want to go through it again. Get your hopes up, ("But I feel different, can I be pregnant?") You tell yourself that it wasn't the right time, you didn't keep your ass up long enough, maybe your temp dropped....and wait.

Your husband doesn't understand, he only hopes you are pregnant so he can enjoy sex again. He doesn't realize the agony that you live for weeks, the tears that stream down your face as you look at the 100th test telling you (not-pregnant). You are terrified to have to go through it all over again.

And yet you do. Do you have any idea, I mean really, the strength to go through that? Over and over again?? You are amazing women!

So I send out a prayer to all you Mama's to be!!!! May God bless you with the babies that you have worked so hard to conceive.

Just remember that when your kid is 14 and screams at you "you probably wish I was never born" you have a thick book of notes and ovulation dates and your temperature and hand it to them saying......"You are all I ever wanted!!"

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