I don't wanna talk about it.

But it seems like I have to. I've been putting it off. I'd rather just talk about my latest obsession; the BBC shows "Merlin" and "Sherlock", or tell you about how my Pastor hates "fish-breathed, fur ball vomiting house cats" (yes, that is a direct quote) or maybe about how long my hair is now, or something cute about Da Boy. But no .. it's time I get this off my .... well, chest ain't the right word... Soul? Heart? Mind? 


On January 9th, I had a hysterectomy. They took my uterus, left my ovaries, and burned off the Endometriosis. <---- That word right there just echos in my head everytime I say it or think it. ENDO....ENDo...ENdo...Endo...endo......


I am still recovering. Well, my body is recovering. Me, I'm not so sure about. 

 "You don't have a soul. You are a Soul. You have a body." ♥ - C.S. Lewis (quoted from a friend on facebook) 

My body is recovering, quite nicely I think. My weight is down (how the hell much can an empty uterus weigh?!) to 124. My incisions are glued (they only did stitches on the inside) and although they sometimes still are painful, it's nothing I can't handle. I still am having a hard time bending down or walking very far (or fast) but hell, with my back that's nothing I'm not used to. I'm going to leave the rest out; and put it down as T.M.I. (trust me on this one, I feel bad enough that I've already told Mr. Man about so much).

The 'me' inside though - is changed - more than the physical; the scars, the pain, the bleeding, the bullshit. A small example of what I mean....

Last night, I cooked dinner. Simple, easy, no big thing, Hamburger Helper Stroganoff. As I dumped the raw ground beef into the pan to brown it, I couldn't help but see the red, the uncooked, the raw ... the meat. All I could think about was my missing uterus. Where is it? What did they do with it? Stop Miranda (I said in my head) It's a COW, for Christ's sake! Yes, this is a cow... you're right. Cows are girls, oh my god, what if there is cow uterus in here??!  Knock it off! You are just making it worse, just cook the fucking meat and get it brown! I turned up the heat. Cooked it faster. It turned brown, looked just like hamburger (like what the hell else should it look like?!). No problemo. I pulled myself together and continued cooking. Served dinner and sat down to eat. Mr. Man and I prayed and as I took the first forkful into my mouth, I couldn't imagine that this was beef. I knew it was, but I couldn't accept it. Couldn't make myself believe it.

Oh holy fuck I can't eat this!!!

I tried. I really did, but after a few more bites, I pushed aside my plate and ate my french bread slice.


It's that kind of thing that sneaks up on me, unawares, and bites me in the brain. And now, even as I type these letters to close my entry, I can't stop thinking about that meat. And here I was, so proud of myself for chatting nicely with that (very) pregnant lady we saw last night (I even smiled) asking her when she is due, and did she know if it was a boy or a girl. (April 23rd, a girl, to be named Brooklyn Savannah)

...now do you see why I didn't wanna talk about it?

~M

A quick summary...

Just to update you what's going on, since I still haven't really found time to do a nice big blog about it all (well, that and I can't think of how to start) I'll sum up..

Da Boy is now with us 1 week at a time. 1 here, 1 there, repeat. Also, his biological father moved about an hour away, which makes getting Da Boy to school on time rather difficult.

Sissy T is getting married. In September. To a boy we haven't met. Yeah.

I have been diagnosed with Endo. Now, I have to have a hysterectomy. On Monday (no joke) And I'm scared. A Lot. So much for almost 4 years of trying to get pregnant. To be honest, I can't even form sentences about how I feel emotionally about this subject.

We started going to a new church. Full of wonderful people. Now the people at our old church barely speak to us and I feel like they don't want to be friends with us anymore.

I've been painting, and crocheting, and spending WAY too much time looking at Tumblr browsing #Merlin.

Mr. Man has been diagnosed with functional dyspepsia. Only problem is, the meds seem worse than the disease. Now he's having chest pains and tingling in his hands and feet. And I'm scared. A lot.

However....


I got a new camera for Christmas ... no joke, I don't think I've ever been so excited. It's a Canon, with a separate lens. Sheeeaaahhh!

Ok, that'll have to do for now. Da Boy leaves in an hour and I've gotta get his stuff together. Ciao for now, I will try to post more later today.
~M

The good, the bad, and the walker

This last week has just been crazy. My epidural for my back has failed, and there are some days where I cannot walk unsupported. I've borrowed a walker from a friend and have been using that when the pain gets out of control. I went to see Dr. Jones on Thursday and after talking with him (He couldn't believe I have this disease and am only 30 years old) he set up an EMG test for me. The problem with that, is that it's on Tuesday and I have no one to watch Da Boy. This test includes a bunch of needles and some pain, so I can't have him sitting there watching.

The good in all this is that Da Boy is back with us, and it's been Ah-maaaazing! I don't know where my hope would be with Mr. Man and Da Boy. They take such good care of me when I'm hurting, and have both been pouring on the love for Mama. I am indeed the world's luckiest woman in this area.

I have good days, they aren't all pain-filled and miserable. Sometimes, I don't take any pain meds at all. Other days, I only survive because of them. I cannot know what the future holds for me, but I DO know that I am not alone. I have you, my faithful readers (wink wink, nudge nudge), my loving family, my good friends, my coffee, and my God.

Princesses, surgeons, & snowmen

It's 9 AM - do you know where your hand surgeon is? GUESS WHAT FOLKS?! It's consult day with my new hand doctor! Don't worry, I'm not late yet - my appointment is at 1:30pm. I think.. maybe 1:10pm? I guess I'd better call and make sure. lol

What an interesting, tear-filled, headache inducing last week/weekend I've had. Boy, I don't even know where to start. Guess I should start out by apologizing. So, I'm sorry I didn't post much this last week - and that which I did post, kinda sucked. It's not that I didn't have anything to post about (because really I did!!) I just wasn't feeling up to sharing. So, forgive me, and I'll fill you in about my last week and weekend.

Tuesday and Wednesday last week were great for the most part! Da Boy and I crafted, all three of us went to church (I do childcare and MrMan works in the tech booth) It was great. I even took pics of the things that Da Boy and I made... wanna see?

Da Boy, crafting! 

  

This was our sugar sprinkles heart we made for Daddy 

 I has a fishie!

Close up of fishie.

Snowmen! Mine has green buttons, Da Boy chose red buttons.

I made him a flower, and he spent half the day with it :)

On Thursday, I took Da Boy to daycare so his birth father could pick him up - it'll be 2 weeks before I see him again. February 10th, to be exact. Afterwards, I met Princess for coffee, which believe me - I needed that!! She is always so uplifting and real - I just love this gal! I don't know what I would do without these "coffee breaks" with my friend. Oh, and remember me telling you about the Pastor's wife whom I cried over last week? Well, she's gonna go to coffee with us next time!!  squee

I spent Friday cleaning the house - literally from top to bottom so that no one would be embarrassed when Princess and her hubz came over that night with our new table! Yay!! We weren't sure we were going to get said table, but in the end it was perfect for us and we love it! You would have a pic, but my camera battery is charging and I'm too lazy to go and check to see if it's ready. I have too many other things to tell you first!

Saturday was church, and it was fantabuloso! Sunday, however, was a bit different. Sunday, our church held a "members only" meeting, and we voted in our new Pastor. I was totally overwhelmed by the whole thing, and cried through most of it. Not because I was upset or disappointed, (I'm actually happy and excited about it) but because I just flat-out couldn't find a better way to express my emotions. My Mom used to tell me I "cry for everyone that can't" - in other words I cry all the damn time, and over some of the most ridiculous things.

Today I have my consult meeting with the hand surgeon (at 1:30, I just checked), although I'm having second thoughts about the surgery. Since my last doctor appt with Dr. Yamamoto, my cyst has shrunken so much that I can move it back and forth and mostly without pain. I can type, do dishes and laundry, and my own hair (thank you very much!) I know some of it has to do with the meds the doctor put me on, but I also know that most of it has to do with God, and the fact (that I didn't know) that I had several people praying for healing for me. Can I get an Amen?


So, until 1pm, I'm going to sit here and work on a new blog design - eventually I will have my own, custom design and not a pre-built template! At least, that's the plan. I wish I could draw... I know the art I want, I just don't know anyone who will do it for free. Cuz yeah, I'm broke. Well, I'm too broke to pay for art for a blog anyways.

I miss Da Boy like crazy, but I'm not gonna let that get me down right now. I have work tonight, and the little hellions will keep me too busy to think about him it'll be fun to hang out with all the little ones.

Who needs two hands anyways?

  Just got home from my doctor's appointment. New (to me) doctor, new office... nice place (If I do say so myself) Great staff, very friendly and helpful. Dr. Yamamoto (no joke) got my vote right off, since we're both cack-handed. So he takes a look at my wrist, attempts to move my hand around (yeah, no I don't think so) and says "Looks like a pretty good cyst there. You're going to want to excise that one. Oooooook. Can you do that here, what does that entail? I ask starting to breathe rather shallowly. Oh no, says he, you'll want Dr. Gabriel for this job; he's a hand surgeon. I'll give you a referral.

(that pause.... that was me dying a little inside)

Oh.. ok. Is this pretty serious then?

Well (he smiles) a little, you see... the cyst has developed roots that go under your tendons... to remove it he'll have to open up your hand and get up under your bones and tendons to get it all.

(this pause.... that was me trying not to throw up on the new doctor)

Sigh ... ok, so what do I do now?

Now, you wait until his staff calls you to make an appointment. Here's a RX for Naproxen... should last two weeks, by then you'll have heard from them and you can go see him for a consult.


Now I'm at home with my head spinning and I'm starting to get scared. Yes, I'm happy I have an idea now, but that's about all I'm happy about. So now I get to spend then next two weeks (or until they call me) with my hand wrapped up in an ace bandage (drs orders) and taking naproxen twice a day.

Tell me you've had a better day?