Best of Twitter

Best Twitter one liners EVER from two of my favorite Tweets! 


All quotes below belong to _DannyEvans_ & Phoernicia

What's awesome about the oil spill is that now we can eat the tuna out of the can and then dump the "water" its packed in into the gas tank.


Fibbing can turn into a lie ability.



He told me he made a six-figure salary and that impressed me. I later found out there's a decimal involved 



Sometimes when I watch "19 Kids and Counting" I can feel the two snipped ends of my vas deferens high-fiving each other.

 

Unless life also gives you water and sugar, your lemonade's gonna suck.

 

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

 

You can change your Levis but not your genes.

 

People are so uptight! So I misinterpreted the term "exploratory committee." My bad. But my pants are back on now so just chill out.

 

The Duggar woman is pregnant with kid number 20 so they're changing the name of the show to "It's Not A Uterus; It's A Clown Car."

 

I'm not calling my mom on Mother's Day because the best gift is another opportunity for her say, "Would it kill you to call your mother?"

 

Thanks, honey. Nothing says Happy 40th quite like a new plastic cover for the spare tire on the back of my CRV. #WishIWasKidding

 

Sometimes Tom Petty sounds like Bob Dylan on nitrous oxide. 

 

No, that's not a mondo, white-headed zit on my face. It's a small skin tee-pee where I like to store my mayonnaise. I call it "Miracle Lip."

 

I'm the only dad at gymnastics class this morning, which would be awesome if I'd worn my pink unitard.

 

My grandfather is hard of hearing and he reads lips. I don't mind him reading my lips, but he uses one of those yellow highlighters. Yuck!

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.