Heavy Hearted

So many things I've wanted to blog about here in the last few weeks. None of which I have. Lack of time, motivation, and believing that anyone could possibly understand. So, I'm gonna put them all here, right now and let it go. I can't hold it all in anymore, I just can't. So, I'm giving it to you, God, and whoever else ends up reading this drivel.

I'll start with Josh, since he's been on my mind so much lately. My son's 4th birthday was on October 10th. He was with his Dad. Again. The last time I saw him on his birthday was his FIRST birthday. I hate this. I hate the fact that I can't see him whenever I want, that he even has to go away from me. I don't want to share him - he's MY son!! I feel like a little kid saying "It isn't fair!" But damnit - it isn't.
My feelings: sad, lonely, selfish, angry, depressed.
Sum it up: I feel like a bad mom.


Next let's move on to the fact that I'm STILL not pregnant. I don't know if it's me, Chris, or God - but this is getting redundant. I'm ready to give up - completely. We can't get pregnant.... I don't want to do the IVF, I don't want to adopt. I want my husband to get me pregnant so that I can give birth to OUR child. I'm desperately sick of hearing that "so and so is pregnant and they weren't even trying!" Yeah, great, wonderful. I don't want to go anywhere anymore, because whenever and wherever we go - I see nothing but pregnant women and teeny brand new babies.

Now let's head on over to my blank prayer journal.  At church we started the "40 days of Prayer" series. Now mind you, I've been praying daily since we started going to church, and I'm actually kinda proud of myself for how well I'd been doing with it. After the first installment of the series, I went home and created my very own 'prayer journal'. I was like "Oh yeah! Go me! This is gonna be awesome!!" Yeeeaaaah. I wrote in it once. TWO WEEKS LATER. Seriously. What kind of a loser AM I? *sigh* I'm still praying, but the writing bit? Just can't seem to pull it off. I don't know why - I love writing (not that you'd have noticed, right?) but for some reason, I just can't get myself in gear to write my prayers down to God.