Best of Twitter

Best Twitter one liners EVER from two of my favorite Tweets! 


All quotes below belong to _DannyEvans_ & Phoernicia

What's awesome about the oil spill is that now we can eat the tuna out of the can and then dump the "water" its packed in into the gas tank.


Fibbing can turn into a lie ability.



He told me he made a six-figure salary and that impressed me. I later found out there's a decimal involved 



Sometimes when I watch "19 Kids and Counting" I can feel the two snipped ends of my vas deferens high-fiving each other.

 

Unless life also gives you water and sugar, your lemonade's gonna suck.

 

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

 

You can change your Levis but not your genes.

 

People are so uptight! So I misinterpreted the term "exploratory committee." My bad. But my pants are back on now so just chill out.

 

The Duggar woman is pregnant with kid number 20 so they're changing the name of the show to "It's Not A Uterus; It's A Clown Car."

 

I'm not calling my mom on Mother's Day because the best gift is another opportunity for her say, "Would it kill you to call your mother?"

 

Thanks, honey. Nothing says Happy 40th quite like a new plastic cover for the spare tire on the back of my CRV. #WishIWasKidding

 

Sometimes Tom Petty sounds like Bob Dylan on nitrous oxide. 

 

No, that's not a mondo, white-headed zit on my face. It's a small skin tee-pee where I like to store my mayonnaise. I call it "Miracle Lip."

 

I'm the only dad at gymnastics class this morning, which would be awesome if I'd worn my pink unitard.

 

My grandfather is hard of hearing and he reads lips. I don't mind him reading my lips, but he uses one of those yellow highlighters. Yuck!

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

  

Things that make me smile

There are so many things in my life that make me smile, but sometimes, I can't think of a single one. I get sad or depressed, worried and anxious, and just need a little 'pick-me-up'. Here are some of my favorite one-liners from our family that make me smile again...


From Da Boy:

"Mom, can I have more milk in my bowl, but no more Wucky Charms?"
"Dear God, bless us to eat our food and help us to go to church. Dear God, Amen"
"Mommy, I think you're booiful"
"Can you put my car in your purse, and my rock...and can I had one bubble dum?"


From Mr. Man:


"How's my sexy woman of God?"
" I don't have to have sweet dreams, I have you."
"You wanna be an archaeologist...we can get a metal detector, and a shovel, go out in the backyard..."
"3 hairs" (he knows what I'm talkin' about)

I love my boys!

Friday's Funniest Quotes

Hello friends! Well Da Boy is gone for two weeks and I'm on a rampage for some "lol"s. Here are the best I've got for today...


Best blog comment (not mine, or one to me, just the funniest one I saw) 

I just left a spring market event at our local civic center and here’s another tip for making enemies.
When people try to sell you their craptastic trays that are wonderful for parties you can respond as I did, “Oh no thanks, I don’t need trays. I don’t have parties. I don’t like enough people to have a party and serve them food and shit.”
Poor little man couldn’t even say anything. ~  Amy Mayfield

Best smart ass conversation of the day:

Mr. Man: "The [NASCAR Sprint Cup] qualifying is rained out, that's it I'm done with NASCAR!"
Me: "Nyaanaa nyaaa" (Me imitating him) 'I haven't gotten to see a single race all the way through this year' :( 'I never get to see my racing anymore' and now you're done?!?
 Mr. Man: "Hey, I'm allowed to be a fickle bitch sometimes!"

Bwahahahahahaa!!! That was awesome! I haven't laughed that hard in a loooooonnnng time!


Funniest Picture of the day: (Ok, I couldn't pick just one, so here's 3)

The WHAT fairy?

Last night we had growth group at our house. After dinner, Da Boy went to his room to play with the other kids, while us parents watched the first installment of the Truth Project with Dr. Del Tackett. All of a sudden we hear this amazingly loud crying. Tamy and I run to Da Boy's room, and find him curled up on his bed with his pillow over his head, screaming and crying. "I dot a BOO BOO!!!" After I finally got him calmed down, I look at said booboo and find a teeny, bleeding cut at the hairline above his right temple. Seems they were playing pirates and my son tripped and fell over a toy and crashed into his TV stand. With his head.

Not too big a deal, he was fine after a few minutes. They went back to playing, and we went back to our lesson. This morning, when Da Boy woke up, he ran into the kitchen calling me. I gave him a hug and asked how he slept.
Me: Hey baby! How are you? Did you sleep good?
Da Boy: Yeah... it's moring time.
Me: Yes it is! How's your head feel? (I brush my fingers over his scabbed cut)
Da Boy: "Oh! I woner wha her bring me!?"  He runs to his bedroom screaming "Come ON Mom!"
I follow him into his room, and watch with great confusion as he runs to his bed and rips the pillow away and stares at this mattress in dismay.
Da Boy: "Her din-n't bring me anyfing."
Me: "Her who?" I utter in total confusion.
Da Boy: Da Ooo Airy
Me: The Tooth Fairy? No, hunny that was for Justice.. she lost a tooth. The tooth fairy only comes if you lose a tooth, baby.
Da Boy: "Oh.... " (He starts feeling his teeth with his tongue.) "I has one teef gone"
Me: "No you don't, they're all there" I say as I peer into his mouth.
Da Boy: "Awwight. I can had cereal?"

So, we go back to the kitchen, I get him some cereal and set him up at the table. He's eating his breakfast and all of a sudden he comes running up to me and grabs my arm.
Da Boy: Mommy!! Mom!
Me: "What babe, what's up? Are you ok?" I ask, looking for blood
Da Boy: Yeah I awwight.
Me: What is it then?
Da Boy: It not da Too Airy! It BooBoo Airy! Her gone bring me esen (present) and made my boo-boo alllllllll bet-er!
Me: Umm... did the kids tell you that last night?
Da Boy: "Uh-huh yeah" he says, nodding eagerly
Me: Oh crap "Well, I'm sure she was really busy last night, Baby, she's probably just running late... we'll check again after your nap today ok?"
Da Boy: Awwight!!
He runs back to his chair and continues eating his cereal with a smile.

Piss Ear!

LOL I can't even type that without laughing. It is normally "Wordless Wednesday" but today I have something a little different, although none the less special!

A video of Da Boy performing his magic trick - making a coin disappear. Isn't that awesome?  It's even more awesome because he can't say "disappear" he says "piss ear!" Keep in mind that he leaves off a lot of sounds, but always includes his vowels.  squee

LOLCat Bible?!

Can they be serious?1 Oh yes they can.... (found this on Wikipedia, no jokez, kthxbai)  For those of you that aren't familiar with reading lolzcat - everything is phonetics and it actually does make sense, if you read it out loud :)

Lolcat Bible - Genesis Chapter 1

1 Oh hai. In teh beginnin Ceiling Cat maded teh skiez An da Urfs, but he did not eated dem.
2 Da Urfs no had shapez An haded dark face, An Ceiling Cat rode invisible bike over teh waterz.
3 At start, no has lyte. An Ceiling Cat sayz, i can haz lite? An lite wuz.4 An Ceiling Cat sawed teh lite, to seez stuffs, An splitted teh lite from dark but taht wuz ok cuz kittehs can see in teh dark An not tripz over nethin.5 An Ceiling Cat sayed light Day An dark no Day. It were FURST!!!1
6 An Ceiling Cat sayed, im in ur waterz makin a ceiling. But he no yet make a ur. An he maded a hole in teh Ceiling.7 An Ceiling Cat doed teh skiez with waterz down An waterz up. It happen.8 An Ceiling Cat sayed, i can has teh firmmint wich iz funny bibel naim 4 ceiling, so wuz teh twoth day.
9 An Ceiling Cat gotted all teh waterz in ur base, An Ceiling Cat hadz dry placez cuz kittehs DO NOT WANT get wet.10 An Ceiling Cat called no waterz urth and waters oshun. Iz good.
11 An Ceiling Cat sayed, DO WANT grass! so tehr wuz seedz An stufs, An fruitzors An vegbatels. An a Corm. It happen.12 An Ceiling Cat sawed that weedz ish good, so, letz there be weedz.13 An so teh threeth day jazzhands.
14 An Ceiling Cat sayed, i can has lightz in the skiez for splittin day An no day.15 It happen, lights everwear, like christmass, srsly.16 An Ceiling Cat doeth two grate lightz, teh most big for day, teh other for no day.17 An Ceiling Cat screw tehm on skiez, with big nails An stuff, to lite teh Urfs.18 An tehy rulez day An night. Ceiling Cat sawed. Iz good.19 An so teh furth day w00t.
20 An Ceiling Cat sayed, waterz bring me phishes, An burds, so kittehs can eat dem. But Ceiling Cat no eated dem.21 An Ceiling Cat maed big fishies An see monstrs, which wuz like big cows, except they no mood, An other stuffs dat mooves, An Ceiling Cat sawed iz good.22 An Ceiling Cat sed O hai, make bebehs kthx. An dont worry i wont watch u secksy, i not that kynd uf kitteh.23 An so teh...fith day. Ceiling Cat taek a wile 2 cawnt.
24 An Ceiling Cat sayed, i can has MOAR living stuff, mooes, An creepie tings, An otehr aminals. It happen so tehre.25 An Ceiling Cat doed moar living stuff, mooes, An creepies, An otehr animuls, An did not eated tehm.
26 An Ceiling Cat sayed, letz us do peeps like uz, becuz we ish teh qte, An let min p0wnz0r becuz tehy has can openers.
27 So Ceiling Cat createded teh peeps taht waz like him, can has can openers he maed tehm, min An womin wuz maeded, but he did not eated tehm.
28 An Ceiling Cat sed them O hai maek bebehs kthx, An p0wn teh waterz, no waterz An teh firmmint, An evry stufs.
29 An Ceiling Cat sayed, Beholdt, the Urfs, I has it, An I has not eated it.30 For evry createded stufs tehre are the fuudz, to the burdies, teh creepiez, An teh mooes, so tehre. It happen. Iz good.
31 An Ceiling Cat sayed, Beholdt, teh good enouf for releaze as version 0.8a. kthxbai.

 

  

  

You think you've seen it all? I thought so too, until I found Psalms in LOLcat too... *headdesk*

 

He hurt your what?!

This morning Da Boy woke up with this nasty rasping cough. He stumbled into the kitchen and climbed up on me as I tried to hug him. I took him to the couch and we were cuddling (me asking how do you feel, does your throat hurt, all that jazz) and Sora, our little orange tabby, decides to climb up and lay down on DB's tummy.
DB pets him for a minute and then  abruptly picks him up and tosses him to the floor.

Me: "Son, why did you do that?"
DB: "Him sit on me. Mom, I has doe peepee."
Me: "Ok, lets go."

We walk to the bathroom and as DB is unzipping his Lightning McQueen footed jammies, he grabs his privates and declares "Mama.... Ora hurt my peanut!"

Me: (laughing) "He hurt your what?"
DB: "No, my peawon."
Me: "You mean your penis?"
DB: "Oh. (giggle) yeah, my peamiss"

 At least this time he didn't ask me to kiss it better. About a year ago he did ask me to kiss it, because he hurt himself, and I told him no, I wouldn't and he tried to kiss it himself!  Ahh, to be a mom of a boy.