Unfinished Business

I am Unfinished Business. I really am.
You'd be shocked if I told you how many projects I've started but never completed, how many times I said "I'm keeping that so I can use it to make _________" and never again even thought about it. How often I told my husband "Yeah I'll call so-and-so and take care of that!" or "I'm so upset, I'm going to write that company a letter!" Never happened. Never got done. Or how many times I swore I'd write out my testimony, back up my computer, or get together with a friend.

Didyouknow

February 7

When you tell someone a goal or thing you’re planning on doing, it chemically satisfies your brain in a manner that’s similar to having actually completed the goal. Source Video: http://did-you-kno.tumblr.com/

Sorry, ANYways.... ((that just took over 10 minutes to find that damn quote on Facebook, because I knew I'd seen it, but didn't know where. )) 

Right. Unfinished business. That's me. It's been a very roller-coaster year. I will explain... no there is too much, let me sum up.

It's been almost 14 months since my Hysterectomy. I'm still on antidepressants.

Da Boy's birth-father met and moved in with a woman and her 3 children in a different town, making it a huge pain in the ass regarding school and such. There were some issues with da boy being called names and being picked on by his new 'step-mother' (kind of, since they aren't married) but that seems to have cooled off since I confronted his birth-father about it.

I finally met our next door neighbors, thanks to Da Boy and the neighbor's kid Alex. His mom is Kathy, and we've become very close. She is a huge blessing in my life, and I wouldn't trade her for the world.

Sissy T and her man got married in early September. This was a good thing, but still rather stressful for me and Mr. Man. We are very happy for them.

Later in September, my heart-dad Jack became suddenly very ill and I flew up to WA State to see him. He died the day before my birthday.

In October, Sissy T and he new hubby moved in with us. They lived with us until the week before Christmas.

On December 15th, Mr. Man and I renewed our vows and had our marriage blessed by our church and pastor. It was beautiful and magical, I have 11 pictures to prove it ;)

My back has been getting worse and worse. I now spend most of my days in a wheelchair, with my cane handy at all times, since the chair doesn't fit through half of the doorways in this house (including the bathrooms!) I've been through just about every prescription pain medication there is, and have not found anything that really cuts the pain. The doctors don't know what to do, and the insurance won't approve anything the doctors suggest.

Mr. Man and I have been skipping church, putting off get-togethers and basically just spending time together. I dislike going anywhere much, as it's a bitch to get the wheelchair in and out of the car, and then Mr. Man has to take care of everything and I detest the way people look at me. I am ashamed of my physical problems and I feel useless and pointless and like I'm just a hassle. I feel like I don't/ can't contribute anything positive to our life anymore.  This has nothing to do with my husband - he is so good to me, and makes it all better when he's here. But when he's not ...it all comes flooding back.

I try to pray. I try to push aside the demons and force myself to see the positive. It's not ALL bad, it's just hard for me to see the good. Today, I got an amazing letter from a friend, I want to share it with you....

Hello there sweetie,
I was just thinking about you this morning - thinking about how much pain you live with and how hard it is to stay positive when you don't feel well. I know that you try to focus on the blessings: your wonderful husband who loves you, your adorable son, your salvation, your art. I want to encourage you, but I don't know how. I want to make your pain go away but I don't know how. I want to tell you that things will get better, but I don't know that they will.
This one thing I can say. Your life is important. Even though you are limited in what you are able to do, God has not left you without a purpose. You have assignments. There are certain people that only you can encourage and inspire. You reflect a particular aspect of God's glory that no one else can. Your son is learning how to worship, pray, and depend on God from YOU.
Don't let the devil steal your hope. Don't let him draw you into self-pity. Don't let him convince you to curl up in a ball and die. The kingdom needs you, Miranda. We need your testimony. We need your courage. We need your perseverance. There are so many who are suffering, who are looking for heroes (and heroines). Champions of pain. People who suffer well - who suffer like Jesus.
If you can't get out of bed, pray for others! Pray for our church, our pastor, our leaders. Ask God who you might call on the phone and encourage. Ask Him for specific scriptures for people and then text it to them. Write to people on facebook and ask them what they need prayer for. If you are able to sit up and visit, invite someone to come and have a cup of tea with you. There are so many who are lonely and need fellowship. When we are hurting, the devil just loves to make us turn inward and feel useless. One of the quickest ways to shake off his life-sucking tentacles is to bless someone else! Give the devil a black eye! You ARE a blessing, Miranda. You are a blessing.
I love you
G

This letter REALLY got to me. She spoke to my heart, without any knowledge of how I was feeling (we haven't talked in awhile) and she nailed it. I want to 'encourage and inspire'. I want to suffer like Jesus. I want to bless someone else. I just don't want to have to 'do' it. I guess the best way to put it is that I have no motivation to do anything other than stew in my own juices. So here's what I am GOING TO DO...(for real, I mean it)

I am going to pray for people. I am going to pass on prayer requests on FB and I am going encourage the people who post them. I am going to type up my testimony here and then (oh god) I'm going to post THAT on FB as well. I am going to go to church on Sunday.

It may not sound like much, but even just typing it out makes me shake. It also makes me feel determined. And scared. And a teeny bit brave.

 ~M

 

Chariots of Fire

16 “Don’t be afraid!” Elisha told him. “For there are more on our side than on theirs!” 17 Then Elisha prayed, “O Lord, open his eyes and let him see!” The Lord opened the young man’s eyes, and when he looked up, he saw that the hillside around Elisha was filled with horses and chariots of fire.
2 Kings 6:16-17

I've been struggling hard for the last week to remember this passage. It seems like the Enemy has been gunning for me lately, and I feel my defenses being routed. I keep falling into his traps and pitfalls, and it's getting harder and harder to get back up and doggedly march on. I worry all the time; about my body, money (or lack thereof), my family, my husband's job, my church, my friends, my relationship with God... everything. I don't really have cause to worry so much about these things, considering most of them are fine and will take care of themselves. But I can't help it. I lay awake at night praying, asking God for some kind of sign, maybe a letter in the mail saying "Relax, daughter, I really do have everything in hand." Or even just a text, you know - "I got dis 4U no worryz k?" I mean really, would it be so hard for Him to make those chariots visible to me once in awhile? I know they are there - I know that He's got my back in this fight. I wish I could just get out of this funk - I feel like I'm in the middle of a bad dream and can't wake up.

The problem with the whole thing is this - there's absolutely NO reason for me to feel this way! My life is really super good right now! I have an amazing husband, a fantastic son, and a wonderful home to live in! I've been blessed with friends that really care for me and for whom I care deeply. A church family that has brought me to Christ and taught me that no one need ever feel alone. How can I even think of feeling depressed?! I don't know, but somehow I still do. I find myself getting angry, frustrated and anxious for no apparent reasons, quite a bit more frequently than is called for. It seems I can't avoid it, or control it. I try to pray it away and end up just mentally listing all the reasons I feel unloved, ignored, angry or slighted. Then I get mad at myself for complaining (because I know my complaints are unfounded) and start the cycle over again.

So where are my Chariots of Fire? God's army backing me up against the enemy? I know they are there... I just wish God would open my eyes to them.

Philippians 4:6

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.

Philippians 4:6

I have spent the last several days doing just that. Or rather, trying to do just that. I've been anxious, and scared, and unable to make simple decisions for the last week. So, once I figured out that I was being attacked by the Enemy, I've been battling those feelings, and turning to my Life Manual for help. I found it in two places. The scripture above has been a mantra for me throughout these last few months, but I've also been directed (by friends, the Christian radio station I listen to, and Pastor Bill's sermons) to Jeremiah for inspiration, comfort and support from my Father. 

Jeremiah 29:11-15

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart."

Jeremiah 31:3-4

 The LORD appeared to us in the past, saying:
       "I have loved you with an everlasting love;
       I have drawn you with loving-kindness.

  I will build you up again
       and you will be rebuilt, O Virgin Israel.
       Again you will take up your tambourines
       and go out to dance with the joyful."

I am scheduled to have my first epidural shot today. This is supposed to help relieve the pain so that I am able to do physical therapy and strengthen my core and back so that the next time it starts hurting it may not be as bad. I've been really stressing about this procedure,  but I know that God wants me to do it, and that it will help. I also know that many people are praying for me. I wish there was a way I could say "Thank You" enough for everything that my friends have done for me... but I don't know how. The only way I can, is to do my best to get better.

Hiatus

Hello friends. I'm so sorry that I haven't been posting lately. I haven't been able to. So... here's the short version, since I don't really have the energy or sitting ability to give you the longer one right now. On 3/28/2010 my back went "out". Now, I've had back troubles for years, but this was different. After hours crying and screaming and horribleness, Mr. Man finally convinced me to go to the hospital. They gave me pain meds and whatnot and several hours later we headed home, after a trip to Walgreens for oxycodone and a cane. Yes, a cane.

That was  a week and a half ago. Since then, I've been in a lot of pain, ranging from really bad to tolerable, depending on how long ago I took my meds or whether I was sitting, standing or trying to pee. Last Friday I had an MRI done on my back. The results are in. I have something called Lumbar  Degenerative Disc Disease and Lumbar Stenosis. I'll just call it LDDD since it was a bitch to type out. From what I've been able to find out online about this disease, it's basically arthritis of the back, but normally is only present in the elderly. I'm 30. So, I have an appt. with a back specialist on Friday to go over my MRI results and find out what we can do about this, to get me back on my feet (yes, I'm still on the cane).

I'm fine. Really... I am. It's just hard to walk, or sit/lay/stand for any length of time without changing position. I'm sorry I haven't posted. Joshua comes home today, and I'm a bit worried about it, since I can't do 3/4 of the things I normally can, but it IS getting better. I'm hoping to be done with the cane in the next couple days. I cannot thank my loving church family enough for all of the support and kindness we've received since this started. Meals have been provided, rides to the doctors, phone calls, facebook messages and prayers.... I love you all, even if you don't read this, I thank you from the bottom of my heart and am still hoping to find a way to repay these kindnesses. Sitting here at the computer for the time it has taken me to type this up is starting to wear on me, so I'm going to wrap this up. I just wanted to let you all know that I'm here, I'm ok, and I love and miss you all. I'm hoping to be able to start my daily blogging again regularly, and I'm going to start trying with tomorrow's post.  God bless you all, my friends, and I'll keep you posted!

~Miranda

Childlike Love

What is it about little kids that makes us melt? Is it their cherubic cheeks? Their messy hair that they think looks "coooool"? How about the way they run while wearing footed Buzz Lightyear pajamas? Absolutely! Those things really get me with Da Boy, but sometimes it's the things he says and they way he says them that really melt me.

We have a rule in our house... we pray before we eat. No matter where we are or who is around, we pray. We also have a fun way to do it - whoever sits down at the table first, says the prayer (or starts it). Da Boy makes sure he's always the first. How cool is that? Anyways... so here we are, sitting at the table, with the sweet smell of Salisbury steak wafting from our plates and I ask "Who gets to say our prayer for dinner tonight?" He smiles and says "I sat down first!" Here is the prayer that my son said last night:

Dear God,
I love you and I love you and I love you, and I want you to come out of my heart and come down here and love on me. 

Wow. I was blown away. I honestly could not have put it better myself. How apt, how simple, how genuine. Yes, that's what I want!! Not only do I want that, I want to be able to talk to God like that. I asked Da Boy (after he was done with his prayer and we were on our way to the church) "How did you learn to pray like that, you sounded like you were just talking to your Daddy." His answer? "I did, God is our Daddy. He's in our heart and in Heaven."

My Prayer for today:

Father God, let me love you like a child loves his Daddy; honestly, openly, without hesitation or reserve. Teach me to be childlike in my worship to you. I know that I'm not "deserving" and I know that that doesn't matter to you. Teach me to fall into your arms and know you'll catch me. I love you, I love you, I love you. Come down here and love on me. Amen