Everybody dies alone.

To my friend,

I used to think we were special to eachother. I used to believe we'd be friends, real friends, maybe even best friends - forever. Now, we never talk. When we see eachother, sometimes you smile and say hi... but that's usually about it.  You post about your "bff's" and "besties", pictures of you with your friends, while I sit here alone, so lonely, wondering why we aren't close anymore. Am I really that useless as a human, that I can't keep a friend? Every friend I've ever had has left me. The only friend I really have is my husband. He's the only one who hasn't given up on me, ever. Am I the person God picked to only have one true companion?

I'm being ridiculous. I know I am. I have other friends ... friends that I've had for years. Friend's that I know will never leave me, will always be there - have always been there, regardless of anything. The only problem? They all live hundreds of miles away. And, even though I may call them my best friend(s), they have someone else they call theirs. And that's ok, I understand why and I'm alright with that. But why am I the only one, it seems, that has no one, besides my spouse, to fill that role?

I know I'm dealing with some issues, and it's been a rough couple of years for me; physically and emotionally. I truly believe if I had a friend, living here close, someone I could talk to and share with and just.... be with, that it would have been easier. I think I would have recovered quicker, with less trouble. I honestly don't know what would have happened to me with Mr. Man in my life; to be my rock, my one support to lean on and help hold me together. I think I would have just given up. When I contemplate what my life these last few years would have been like without him, I realize that they wouldn't have been at all. I wouldn't have made it this far. I would have done myself in and been done with it.

I suppose there is a silver lining to every cloud, a rainbow after ever rain. Sometimes it's very hard to see it, but regardless, it's there. I may not have you in my life anymore, not the way I'd like you to be, but I do have friends. And maybe, just maybe .. without losing you, I wouldn't have really realized that.

~M

A quick summary...

Just to update you what's going on, since I still haven't really found time to do a nice big blog about it all (well, that and I can't think of how to start) I'll sum up..

Da Boy is now with us 1 week at a time. 1 here, 1 there, repeat. Also, his biological father moved about an hour away, which makes getting Da Boy to school on time rather difficult.

Sissy T is getting married. In September. To a boy we haven't met. Yeah.

I have been diagnosed with Endo. Now, I have to have a hysterectomy. On Monday (no joke) And I'm scared. A Lot. So much for almost 4 years of trying to get pregnant. To be honest, I can't even form sentences about how I feel emotionally about this subject.

We started going to a new church. Full of wonderful people. Now the people at our old church barely speak to us and I feel like they don't want to be friends with us anymore.

I've been painting, and crocheting, and spending WAY too much time looking at Tumblr browsing #Merlin.

Mr. Man has been diagnosed with functional dyspepsia. Only problem is, the meds seem worse than the disease. Now he's having chest pains and tingling in his hands and feet. And I'm scared. A lot.

However....


I got a new camera for Christmas ... no joke, I don't think I've ever been so excited. It's a Canon, with a separate lens. Sheeeaaahhh!

Ok, that'll have to do for now. Da Boy leaves in an hour and I've gotta get his stuff together. Ciao for now, I will try to post more later today.
~M

Good Friday? Rant...

I love how, as a Christian, I am expected to allow people to walk all over me. To say things that hurt me, piss me off, or demean me - but I'm not allowed to 'get my feelings hurt' 'get pissed off' or say anything back to them. I'm just supposed to let it go, smile, and pretend that they aren't total idiots (therefore proving myself to be one). Gee, thanks for that.

Why is that? I'm beginning to hate facebook because of this. People seem bent on saying things on there that not only are rude, crude, and otherwise totally unacceptable, yet somehow if I contradict them in any manner, I'm the bad guy!! WTF?! Seriously ... I'm really done with people thinking I don't care if they tell me abortion is right, gay marriage is cool, or giving birth in hospitals is bad (and I'm pretty sure this includes breast feeding too, OMW).

Yes, I know .. calm down Miranda. It's Good Friday, think about the sacrifice that Christ made for you - don't downplay it by getting all worked up over something that isn't worth it. But you know what? This isn't just about today .. this shit happens all the time, and I'm finally fed up. I believe it's time to sever some connections, clean up the mess, get rid of the problem. Burn those bridges that lead to harmful and scary places. I'm afraid to, though. I'm afraid because I know that I will be the 'bitch' for doing it - I don't want to lose friends .. I don't have enough to be losing. But is it worth keeping these friendships - and the cost of my emotional balance, my inner peace? My stress levels are through the roof, and everytime I get upset like this, ya know what happens next? I can guarantee that within 24 hours my back will be out, with shooting pains down my legs and a migraine, and I'll be hurting again, not just emotionally, but physically. 

I'll end up being a pariah on FB to those people. And not just FB, but a number of other sites, where we all connect. Is it worth it; to maybe be cast away from my other friends because of these few people that are making me crazy? Am I the one in the wrong here? I don't know .. I'm sure some people reading this are laughing because this is all my own fault and here I am bitching about it and blaming others. I know that I have a hand in this, I realize that. I have my own issues that I have to deal with and part of that is just that I see these people with things that I wish to have, that don't treasure them. They have this most wonderful treasure and they do nothing but complain and gripe and treat it like it doesn't mean anything - yet I would give anything for the blessing they have.

I'm not sure what to do right now .. ranting about it has helped a little, but now it's time to act on it. What to do - sever the ties and move on, or smile and plot their deaths in my head?

100 Day Challenge - Day 2

Day 02 - A picture of you and a person you have been close with for awhile.

Joanna Mahan and I -  June 2010. We've been friends for 11 years.

100 Day Challenge

I will not be doing these everyday - I will take my time and do them when I want to, but as close to "daily" as I can. I am also posting these on FB!

Day 01 - A picture of yourself with fifteen facts.
Day 02 - A picture of you and the person you have been close with for awhile.
Day 03 - A picture of the cast from your favorite show.
Day 04 - A picture of something you'd like to do again.
Day 05 - A picture of your favorite memory.
Day 06 - A picture of a person you'd love to trade places with for a day.
Day 07 - A picture of your most treasured item.
Day 08 - A picture that makes you laugh.
Day 09 - A picture of the person who has gotten you through the most.
Day 10 - A picture of the person you do the most fucked up things with.
Day 11 - A picture of something you hate.
Day 12 - A picture of something you love.
Day 13 - A picture of your favorite band or artist.
Day 14 - A picture of someone you could never imagine your life without.
Day 15 - A picture of something you want to do before you die.
Day 16 - A picture of someone who inspires you.
Day 17 - A picture of something that has made a huge impact on your life recently.
Day 18 - A picture of your biggest insecurity.
Day 19 - A picture of you when you were little.
Day 20 - A picture of somewhere you'd love to travel.
Day 21 - A picture of something you wish you could forget.
Day 22 - A picture of something you wish you were better at.
Day 23 - A picture of your favorite book.
Day 24 - A picture of something you wish you could change.
Day 25 - A picture of your day.
Day 26 - A picture of something that means a lot to you.
Day 27 - A picture of yourself and a family member.
Day 28 - A picture of something you're afraid of.
Day 29 - A picture that can always make you smile.
Day 30 - A picture of someone you miss.
Day 31 - A picture of a tradition you have.
Day 32 - A picture of a crazy night.
Day 33 - A picture of the house you grew up in.
Day 34 - A picture of your currently most played CD.
Day 35 - A picture of your favorite place to eat.
Day 36 - A picture of your ‘other half'.
Day 37 - A picture of the people you spend most of your time with.
Day 38 - A picture of the best part of your day.
Day 39 - A picture of your favorite movie.
Day 40 - A picture of your favorite Disney character.
Day 41 - A picture of your pet.
Day 42 - A picture of your dream house.
Day 43 - A picture of something you can’t function without.
Day 44 - A picture of someone you’re told you look like.
Day 45 - A picture of your room.
Day 46 - A picture of where you wish you were right now.
Day 47 - A picture of your favorite place to shop.
Day 48 - A picture of your favorite actress/actor.
Day 49 - A picture of where you live.
Day 50 - A picture of your most frequented place.
Day 51 - A picture of your dream car.
Day 52 - A picture of your favorite sport.
Day 53 - A picture of someone you think is hot.
Day 54 - A picture of the one thing you would bring if you
were stranded on a deserted island.
Day 55 - A picture of the last movie you saw in theaters.
Day 56 - A picture of something that makes you happy.
Day 57 - A picture of your favorite holiday.
Day 58 - A picture of your favorite animal.
Day 59 - A picture of a random item that you own.
Day 60 - A picture of your pet.
Day 61 - School class picture
Day 62 - Last place you traveled to
Day 63 - An Award or Certificate you've received
Day 64 - Favorite childhood book
Day 65 - A picture of you and your best friend
Day 66 - A picture in your room
Day 67 - Something Green
Day 68 - A magazine you like
Day 69 - Something Red
Day 70 - Something you borrowed from someone else
Day 71 - A picture of your favorite piece of jewelry
Day 72 - A stuffed animal
Day 73 - Your lunch
Day 74 - Something you found under your bed
Day 75 - You and a friend
Day 76 - Something that annoys you
Day 77 - The last thing that you bought
Day 78 - Your sunglasses
Day 79 - A ticket from somewhere you've been
Day 80 - Your favorite childhood movie
Day 81 - Something you baked
Day 82 - The most embarrassing thing in your closet
Day 83 - The moon tonight
Day 84 - Your favorite pair of shorts
Day 85 - Something Pink
Day 86 - Something your mom bought you
Day 87 - Something you hold dear to your heart
Day 88 - Your bathroom
Day 89 - What's in your fridge?
Day 90 - Your latest drawing/art/craft.
Day 91 - Something that made you smile today
Day 92 - Something weird in your house
Day 93 - The view from your bedroom window
Day 94 - What your doing right now
Day 95 - Something yellow
Day 96 - A place you went today
Day 97 - Something heart shaped
Day 98 - Your favorite nail polish color
Day 99 - Something that makes you feel accomplished
Day 100 - The final picture of yourself

Thankful Thursdays

Today I am thankful for so many things ...I decided to go around this week, taking pictures of a few of them.

I am thankful for flowers

I am thankful even for weeds

I am thankful for good friends that visit

I am thankful for kitties that love toys

I am thankful for my sleeping son

I am thankful for 3 pairs of shoes that 

got to be next to eachother for 3 weeks.

Bringing Miranda's Back... well, back!

(back-dated from 5/12/2010)

If you take a look at my last post, Hiatus - I was in a pretty bad place. Hurting, cranky, and worried, I was not really in what you'd call a 'good place'.  Today, however, I'm a bit better. Yesterday I went to the doctor and had my first, and hopefully only epidural shot for my back. I woke up this morning almost completely pain FREE! Only some soreness, but what a blessing not to wince with every step! God is good ALL the time!

The visit to the doctor's was not very note-worthy, but I'm proud to say that I went in alone (they wouldn't let Da Boy in, so he and Mr. Man hung out in the waiting room) I didn't scream or pass out, and I wasn't ashamed that I cried a little. It hurt. No, not as much as I thought it was going to, but yeah - it hurt. 


See I wasn't even going to get the epidural. I was terrified of the procedure, scared to death that it would be painful, and worried that it would somehow make me worse. With that said - I owe huge and sincere thanks to a couple of people. 

THANK YOU Mr. Man for telling me "it's your choice whether or not to do it, but I think you should" and praying with me about it. I love you.

THANK YOU DeeJay for telling me about your experiences with this disease and the epidurals. Also for telling me to get the epidural .. I think if you'd said not to, I wouldn't have.

THANK YOU Princess, Loue, Sissy T, Alice, Mark, Debbie & Bill, Brian & Jo, Sunny, Caitlin, Steph and everyone else who prayed for me, talked with me about it, and supported me through this. I cannot explain how much it means to me that I am called 'friend' by so many. I can only pray that I am as good a friend to all of you as you are to me. 

Up, down, and all around

Why don't people list their high school(s) on Facebook? Seriously?! I've been trying to find my childhood BFF for about 6 years now, and it's making me crazy. I did get lucky in one respect though - I managed to find her brother (who listed his high school, thank you very much). So, I send him a little note, asking about her, if she's on FB and if he could connect us. About 4 gut wrenching days later, in which I've convinced myself his reply will be "I'm sorry but she passed away" (haha), I get a reply. "She's on FB, here's her email." OMG!! YAY! I click over to the 'find friends' deal, and pop in her email addy - no go. Not listed on FB. I dash back over to the message from her bro and shoot back "are you sure you spelled it right?" He comes back with "yes, and here is her other email that she has listed." YES!! I go back to the other page, pop in THAT addy and click. Nope. My shoulders slump, my brow creases and I sit here chewing on my lower lip, trying both addresses over and over. I go to Myspace, and try - nothin.

Come ON! You gotta be kiddin me. There are two people on FB that come up when look up her name - one has a pic. Red hair,glasses, smiling, baby with her. Yeah, I think, it 'could' be her. Last time I saw her she was blond, with braces, but that was 14 years ago. I have a terrible memory, granted, but still.

So now I'm sitting here waiting for her brother to get back to me. I can't focus on anything else. I've been going back and forth with my sister on instant messaging, chatting about the "maybe I'm pregnant, maybe it's pms" topic. As I type this, I've checked FB about fourteen bajillion times, hoping to see the little 1 in a blue circle by the inbox button - and growl everytime it's not there. *growl, sigh*