Chariots of Fire

16 “Don’t be afraid!” Elisha told him. “For there are more on our side than on theirs!” 17 Then Elisha prayed, “O Lord, open his eyes and let him see!” The Lord opened the young man’s eyes, and when he looked up, he saw that the hillside around Elisha was filled with horses and chariots of fire.
2 Kings 6:16-17

I've been struggling hard for the last week to remember this passage. It seems like the Enemy has been gunning for me lately, and I feel my defenses being routed. I keep falling into his traps and pitfalls, and it's getting harder and harder to get back up and doggedly march on. I worry all the time; about my body, money (or lack thereof), my family, my husband's job, my church, my friends, my relationship with God... everything. I don't really have cause to worry so much about these things, considering most of them are fine and will take care of themselves. But I can't help it. I lay awake at night praying, asking God for some kind of sign, maybe a letter in the mail saying "Relax, daughter, I really do have everything in hand." Or even just a text, you know - "I got dis 4U no worryz k?" I mean really, would it be so hard for Him to make those chariots visible to me once in awhile? I know they are there - I know that He's got my back in this fight. I wish I could just get out of this funk - I feel like I'm in the middle of a bad dream and can't wake up.

The problem with the whole thing is this - there's absolutely NO reason for me to feel this way! My life is really super good right now! I have an amazing husband, a fantastic son, and a wonderful home to live in! I've been blessed with friends that really care for me and for whom I care deeply. A church family that has brought me to Christ and taught me that no one need ever feel alone. How can I even think of feeling depressed?! I don't know, but somehow I still do. I find myself getting angry, frustrated and anxious for no apparent reasons, quite a bit more frequently than is called for. It seems I can't avoid it, or control it. I try to pray it away and end up just mentally listing all the reasons I feel unloved, ignored, angry or slighted. Then I get mad at myself for complaining (because I know my complaints are unfounded) and start the cycle over again.

So where are my Chariots of Fire? God's army backing me up against the enemy? I know they are there... I just wish God would open my eyes to them.

The good, the bad, and the walker

This last week has just been crazy. My epidural for my back has failed, and there are some days where I cannot walk unsupported. I've borrowed a walker from a friend and have been using that when the pain gets out of control. I went to see Dr. Jones on Thursday and after talking with him (He couldn't believe I have this disease and am only 30 years old) he set up an EMG test for me. The problem with that, is that it's on Tuesday and I have no one to watch Da Boy. This test includes a bunch of needles and some pain, so I can't have him sitting there watching.

The good in all this is that Da Boy is back with us, and it's been Ah-maaaazing! I don't know where my hope would be with Mr. Man and Da Boy. They take such good care of me when I'm hurting, and have both been pouring on the love for Mama. I am indeed the world's luckiest woman in this area.

I have good days, they aren't all pain-filled and miserable. Sometimes, I don't take any pain meds at all. Other days, I only survive because of them. I cannot know what the future holds for me, but I DO know that I am not alone. I have you, my faithful readers (wink wink, nudge nudge), my loving family, my good friends, my coffee, and my God.