Confessions

On my mind,top 10 confessions:

((meme seen on tumblr))

1. I love the shows Sherlock, Merlin, and The Big Bang Theory.
2. I smoke too much.
3. I'm realizing that I'm becoming more depressed, more often.
4. I seek approval. For everything.
5. I am not a cutter, but when I stress or get very low, I pull hairs out from my scalp.
6. I'm scared that I'll never be able to eat red meat again.
7. For the last 3 minutes, I've been trying to talk myself out of publishing this specific post.
8. I hate my smile, because my teeth are bad and it's disgusting.
9. I eat way too many sunflower seeds.
10. I think my husband is amazingly handsome (among many other incredible things). I honestly fangirl over his cheekbones and eyes. I can't believe he picked me. I still don't really know why he did.

Maybe I really am going crazy

I think I wouldn't mind if I never left the house again. Although, I wonder how long it would be before someone noticed (besides Mr. Man and DaBoy) I could listen to church online, update my FB status with thoughts on the sermon, share antidotes about daily life, and I doubt anyone would know the difference.

I mean, except me.


I don't mind going to Walmart, or maybe out for some Keno, or even Quizno's. But going places where I know people.... yeah I think I'm ok not doing that anymore. I'm sick of the pretending, "How do I feel? Like I ought to be swinging from my neck in the shower I'm doin' alright, better all the time, you?"  the fake smiles, the little social lies "Oh we need to get together! Let's have lunch" (we ain't never havin' lunch, and you damn well know it) and all the rest.

I'm pretty sure I could pull it off. Well, just as long as no one ever came to the house looking for me. ;)














 




 







 



 

I don't wanna talk about it.

But it seems like I have to. I've been putting it off. I'd rather just talk about my latest obsession; the BBC shows "Merlin" and "Sherlock", or tell you about how my Pastor hates "fish-breathed, fur ball vomiting house cats" (yes, that is a direct quote) or maybe about how long my hair is now, or something cute about Da Boy. But no .. it's time I get this off my .... well, chest ain't the right word... Soul? Heart? Mind? 


On January 9th, I had a hysterectomy. They took my uterus, left my ovaries, and burned off the Endometriosis. <---- That word right there just echos in my head everytime I say it or think it. ENDO....ENDo...ENdo...Endo...endo......


I am still recovering. Well, my body is recovering. Me, I'm not so sure about. 

 "You don't have a soul. You are a Soul. You have a body." ♥ - C.S. Lewis (quoted from a friend on facebook) 

My body is recovering, quite nicely I think. My weight is down (how the hell much can an empty uterus weigh?!) to 124. My incisions are glued (they only did stitches on the inside) and although they sometimes still are painful, it's nothing I can't handle. I still am having a hard time bending down or walking very far (or fast) but hell, with my back that's nothing I'm not used to. I'm going to leave the rest out; and put it down as T.M.I. (trust me on this one, I feel bad enough that I've already told Mr. Man about so much).

The 'me' inside though - is changed - more than the physical; the scars, the pain, the bleeding, the bullshit. A small example of what I mean....

Last night, I cooked dinner. Simple, easy, no big thing, Hamburger Helper Stroganoff. As I dumped the raw ground beef into the pan to brown it, I couldn't help but see the red, the uncooked, the raw ... the meat. All I could think about was my missing uterus. Where is it? What did they do with it? Stop Miranda (I said in my head) It's a COW, for Christ's sake! Yes, this is a cow... you're right. Cows are girls, oh my god, what if there is cow uterus in here??!  Knock it off! You are just making it worse, just cook the fucking meat and get it brown! I turned up the heat. Cooked it faster. It turned brown, looked just like hamburger (like what the hell else should it look like?!). No problemo. I pulled myself together and continued cooking. Served dinner and sat down to eat. Mr. Man and I prayed and as I took the first forkful into my mouth, I couldn't imagine that this was beef. I knew it was, but I couldn't accept it. Couldn't make myself believe it.

Oh holy fuck I can't eat this!!!

I tried. I really did, but after a few more bites, I pushed aside my plate and ate my french bread slice.


It's that kind of thing that sneaks up on me, unawares, and bites me in the brain. And now, even as I type these letters to close my entry, I can't stop thinking about that meat. And here I was, so proud of myself for chatting nicely with that (very) pregnant lady we saw last night (I even smiled) asking her when she is due, and did she know if it was a boy or a girl. (April 23rd, a girl, to be named Brooklyn Savannah)

...now do you see why I didn't wanna talk about it?

~M

A quick summary...

Just to update you what's going on, since I still haven't really found time to do a nice big blog about it all (well, that and I can't think of how to start) I'll sum up..

Da Boy is now with us 1 week at a time. 1 here, 1 there, repeat. Also, his biological father moved about an hour away, which makes getting Da Boy to school on time rather difficult.

Sissy T is getting married. In September. To a boy we haven't met. Yeah.

I have been diagnosed with Endo. Now, I have to have a hysterectomy. On Monday (no joke) And I'm scared. A Lot. So much for almost 4 years of trying to get pregnant. To be honest, I can't even form sentences about how I feel emotionally about this subject.

We started going to a new church. Full of wonderful people. Now the people at our old church barely speak to us and I feel like they don't want to be friends with us anymore.

I've been painting, and crocheting, and spending WAY too much time looking at Tumblr browsing #Merlin.

Mr. Man has been diagnosed with functional dyspepsia. Only problem is, the meds seem worse than the disease. Now he's having chest pains and tingling in his hands and feet. And I'm scared. A lot.

However....


I got a new camera for Christmas ... no joke, I don't think I've ever been so excited. It's a Canon, with a separate lens. Sheeeaaahhh!

Ok, that'll have to do for now. Da Boy leaves in an hour and I've gotta get his stuff together. Ciao for now, I will try to post more later today.
~M

Welcome Once Again

You don't have to read this. I give you permission right now to close the page. I give you free reign over the comment box, and I PROMISE I will NOT get upset if you don't use that box. I am done trying to please everyone, and by proxy be pleased. I've learned that that isn't reasonable and it's also ridiculous. I'm a big girl now, and I can handle it. This is NOT going to be an Art Blog, nor yet and Crafting Blog, or even a Mommy Blog. This is Miranda's blog. What I post may not make any sense to you, but you aren't Miranda (and if you are, well, the hell with you, you aren't the right Miranda ;))

I've been spending a lot of time thinking lately, but not a lot of action has come from it. Mind you, a lot of things are going on (and I mean a LOT) and things are changing ... hell, my whole LIFE is changing. Anyway, I digress (for the moment) to tell you the reason this post showed up in your email/blog roll/reading list/thingy.

It's 2012 and since so many things are changing in my life, I need a place I can put it all down, in my own words and be able to not only document, but to review at a later date; (some of) the events of my life.

Take it or leave it. This is for me and those that love me. If you love me (or even kinda like me) I would be honored and thankful if you did read it. HOWEVER, please don't feel obligated to do so - this is neither the time nor the place for it.

I will post again later today if I have time, but for now I must go, it's lunch time and I'm hungry. I am going to try and post something, even if it's short and stupid, at least 4-5 times a week. I may screw that up, but I'm the only one who that will matter to, and I'm ok with it ;)

God Bless and stay strong. Enjoy your coffee. Know that you are loved, regardless.
~Miranda