Everybody dies alone.

To my friend,

I used to think we were special to eachother. I used to believe we'd be friends, real friends, maybe even best friends - forever. Now, we never talk. When we see eachother, sometimes you smile and say hi... but that's usually about it.  You post about your "bff's" and "besties", pictures of you with your friends, while I sit here alone, so lonely, wondering why we aren't close anymore. Am I really that useless as a human, that I can't keep a friend? Every friend I've ever had has left me. The only friend I really have is my husband. He's the only one who hasn't given up on me, ever. Am I the person God picked to only have one true companion?

I'm being ridiculous. I know I am. I have other friends ... friends that I've had for years. Friend's that I know will never leave me, will always be there - have always been there, regardless of anything. The only problem? They all live hundreds of miles away. And, even though I may call them my best friend(s), they have someone else they call theirs. And that's ok, I understand why and I'm alright with that. But why am I the only one, it seems, that has no one, besides my spouse, to fill that role?

I know I'm dealing with some issues, and it's been a rough couple of years for me; physically and emotionally. I truly believe if I had a friend, living here close, someone I could talk to and share with and just.... be with, that it would have been easier. I think I would have recovered quicker, with less trouble. I honestly don't know what would have happened to me with Mr. Man in my life; to be my rock, my one support to lean on and help hold me together. I think I would have just given up. When I contemplate what my life these last few years would have been like without him, I realize that they wouldn't have been at all. I wouldn't have made it this far. I would have done myself in and been done with it.

I suppose there is a silver lining to every cloud, a rainbow after ever rain. Sometimes it's very hard to see it, but regardless, it's there. I may not have you in my life anymore, not the way I'd like you to be, but I do have friends. And maybe, just maybe .. without losing you, I wouldn't have really realized that.

~M

Made It Myself!

Happy Tuesday folks! Today I wanted to show y'all something I made. Why? well, because I'm proud of it, and it makes me feel accomplished.

Last week I started using Pinterest. I know, I know... but it's cool. It's like tumblr for real people (not just fangirls and freaks) and I found this really neat idea -

 

 

 

 

 - a DIY rotating goals board! Wow, what an awesome idea ... I gotta try that! The original post is HERE. Well, I did. And I'll be honest here - I never do anything the way they say ya should, I have to do it my way. So, without further ado, I hereby present my very own Goals Board!

 

 

 

Isn't it neat? 

Here's what I did:

Post-it-Notes *hint: I pulled the post-it-note packs in half, so it wouldn't be too heavy for my cheap glue-stick work*, 2 pieces of paper for computer printouts (because as I'm sure you can see, I can't draw for my life) and (not quite 1/2) a black foam board from the Dollar Tree.  Ruler, pencil and an Xacto knife and some really old, cheap glue sticks. A little bit of measuring and some yarn, and Viola! 

Done and DONE.

If you make one yourself, please post a link to a pic in my comments section - I'd love to see how you made it your own!

Enjoy Today and God Bless!

~M

Quick, short and to the point

Just got back from my follow-up with Dr. W (who did my hysterectomy) All looks good, still not healed up but getting there. Another appt in 3 weeks.

Started taking Zoloft on Saturday 2/4/2012. Feeling alright, but already noticing some side effects that I don't love; jittery feeling, hair loss, headaches. But it's working well on the depression and that's ALL that matters.

So, I'm going to go pick up Da Boy from school and wait for Mr. Man to get home from work so I can finally be calm again. I'm beginning to realize that I don't like being home alone near as much as I used to - now I'm just lonely and jumpy and bored.

I just want to forget.

I don't know... 

 

 

…how much I’m going to be around the next several days - might be ‘not at all’ might be ‘all the time’. I’m really struggling with some stuff and Facebook (anyone surprised here?) just really screwed my mind up. One of my ‘Christian’ friends (who has been unfriend-ed, I know it’s rude, but really I couldn’t help it) posted a picture… God, I don’t even know if I can bear to explain or type it out…. of an aborted baby, bloody, horrible, dead.

I just had a hysterectomy. They removed my uterus. My husband and I have been trying to get pregnant for almost 4 years, unsuccessfully, because of severe  endometriosis and adenomyosis. I am struggling very hard with my emotions and feelings because of this. I have not been able to cook raw meat, and I've barely been able to eat beef since I came home from the hospital. It grosses me out and makes me sick. Then about 30 minutes ago I saw the above stated post on facebook.

My depression is getting worse, I’m taking more pain pills than usual because I’m hurting more, but I’m not sure if those two things are actually connected or not. I’ll NOT be on FB for awhile, that I can tell you - but I don’t know about here or my tumblr.

I need to paint. I’ve started a new painting, but I’m hesitant to show it online because 99% of the time my paintings get ignored, and I honestly don’t think I can deal with that right now on top of everything else.

How do you unsee something? I need to know if there actually is a way. I  have finally stopped crying and only threw up once...so much for that casadilla . I feel like I’m dying on the inside and I don’t know how to stop. I feel so very very alone right now. And broken. I can’t smile about anything. I feel like I don’t even want to breathe, but my body makes me.

Pray for me? Think happy thoughts for me? Something, anything. Just…. I don’t know. I want to say “whatever, fuck it, I just need to move on” but I can’t, I don’t know how. I don’t even know how to get this stuff out of my head, off my mind. I just keep seeing it over and over and over.

Anyway … there it is. I wasn’t planning on really getting into it, but I guess I did - someone will probably say “it’s good for you get it out”… just so you know. Thank you for taking the time to read this (if anyone does) and I hope you have a good rest of your day.

p.s. Unless you are Mr. Man, please don't call or text me today. I probably won't answer, I just really don't want to talk about it. I just want to go pick up Da Boy from school and hug him forever until I stop feeling like this. Also, If this IS Mr. Man reading this, I'll call you when we get home, but can we please not talk about this part? Thanks and I love you soooo much. I miss you and I wish you could come home. I'll be waiting for you when you get off work.

~Mira

Confessions

On my mind,top 10 confessions:

((meme seen on tumblr))

1. I love the shows Sherlock, Merlin, and The Big Bang Theory.
2. I smoke too much.
3. I'm realizing that I'm becoming more depressed, more often.
4. I seek approval. For everything.
5. I am not a cutter, but when I stress or get very low, I pull hairs out from my scalp.
6. I'm scared that I'll never be able to eat red meat again.
7. For the last 3 minutes, I've been trying to talk myself out of publishing this specific post.
8. I hate my smile, because my teeth are bad and it's disgusting.
9. I eat way too many sunflower seeds.
10. I think my husband is amazingly handsome (among many other incredible things). I honestly fangirl over his cheekbones and eyes. I can't believe he picked me. I still don't really know why he did.

Maybe I really am going crazy

I think I wouldn't mind if I never left the house again. Although, I wonder how long it would be before someone noticed (besides Mr. Man and DaBoy) I could listen to church online, update my FB status with thoughts on the sermon, share antidotes about daily life, and I doubt anyone would know the difference.

I mean, except me.


I don't mind going to Walmart, or maybe out for some Keno, or even Quizno's. But going places where I know people.... yeah I think I'm ok not doing that anymore. I'm sick of the pretending, "How do I feel? Like I ought to be swinging from my neck in the shower I'm doin' alright, better all the time, you?"  the fake smiles, the little social lies "Oh we need to get together! Let's have lunch" (we ain't never havin' lunch, and you damn well know it) and all the rest.

I'm pretty sure I could pull it off. Well, just as long as no one ever came to the house looking for me. ;)














 




 







 



 

I don't wanna talk about it.

But it seems like I have to. I've been putting it off. I'd rather just talk about my latest obsession; the BBC shows "Merlin" and "Sherlock", or tell you about how my Pastor hates "fish-breathed, fur ball vomiting house cats" (yes, that is a direct quote) or maybe about how long my hair is now, or something cute about Da Boy. But no .. it's time I get this off my .... well, chest ain't the right word... Soul? Heart? Mind? 


On January 9th, I had a hysterectomy. They took my uterus, left my ovaries, and burned off the Endometriosis. <---- That word right there just echos in my head everytime I say it or think it. ENDO....ENDo...ENdo...Endo...endo......


I am still recovering. Well, my body is recovering. Me, I'm not so sure about. 

 "You don't have a soul. You are a Soul. You have a body." ♥ - C.S. Lewis (quoted from a friend on facebook) 

My body is recovering, quite nicely I think. My weight is down (how the hell much can an empty uterus weigh?!) to 124. My incisions are glued (they only did stitches on the inside) and although they sometimes still are painful, it's nothing I can't handle. I still am having a hard time bending down or walking very far (or fast) but hell, with my back that's nothing I'm not used to. I'm going to leave the rest out; and put it down as T.M.I. (trust me on this one, I feel bad enough that I've already told Mr. Man about so much).

The 'me' inside though - is changed - more than the physical; the scars, the pain, the bleeding, the bullshit. A small example of what I mean....

Last night, I cooked dinner. Simple, easy, no big thing, Hamburger Helper Stroganoff. As I dumped the raw ground beef into the pan to brown it, I couldn't help but see the red, the uncooked, the raw ... the meat. All I could think about was my missing uterus. Where is it? What did they do with it? Stop Miranda (I said in my head) It's a COW, for Christ's sake! Yes, this is a cow... you're right. Cows are girls, oh my god, what if there is cow uterus in here??!  Knock it off! You are just making it worse, just cook the fucking meat and get it brown! I turned up the heat. Cooked it faster. It turned brown, looked just like hamburger (like what the hell else should it look like?!). No problemo. I pulled myself together and continued cooking. Served dinner and sat down to eat. Mr. Man and I prayed and as I took the first forkful into my mouth, I couldn't imagine that this was beef. I knew it was, but I couldn't accept it. Couldn't make myself believe it.

Oh holy fuck I can't eat this!!!

I tried. I really did, but after a few more bites, I pushed aside my plate and ate my french bread slice.


It's that kind of thing that sneaks up on me, unawares, and bites me in the brain. And now, even as I type these letters to close my entry, I can't stop thinking about that meat. And here I was, so proud of myself for chatting nicely with that (very) pregnant lady we saw last night (I even smiled) asking her when she is due, and did she know if it was a boy or a girl. (April 23rd, a girl, to be named Brooklyn Savannah)

...now do you see why I didn't wanna talk about it?

~M

A quick summary...

Just to update you what's going on, since I still haven't really found time to do a nice big blog about it all (well, that and I can't think of how to start) I'll sum up..

Da Boy is now with us 1 week at a time. 1 here, 1 there, repeat. Also, his biological father moved about an hour away, which makes getting Da Boy to school on time rather difficult.

Sissy T is getting married. In September. To a boy we haven't met. Yeah.

I have been diagnosed with Endo. Now, I have to have a hysterectomy. On Monday (no joke) And I'm scared. A Lot. So much for almost 4 years of trying to get pregnant. To be honest, I can't even form sentences about how I feel emotionally about this subject.

We started going to a new church. Full of wonderful people. Now the people at our old church barely speak to us and I feel like they don't want to be friends with us anymore.

I've been painting, and crocheting, and spending WAY too much time looking at Tumblr browsing #Merlin.

Mr. Man has been diagnosed with functional dyspepsia. Only problem is, the meds seem worse than the disease. Now he's having chest pains and tingling in his hands and feet. And I'm scared. A lot.

However....


I got a new camera for Christmas ... no joke, I don't think I've ever been so excited. It's a Canon, with a separate lens. Sheeeaaahhh!

Ok, that'll have to do for now. Da Boy leaves in an hour and I've gotta get his stuff together. Ciao for now, I will try to post more later today.
~M

Welcome Once Again

You don't have to read this. I give you permission right now to close the page. I give you free reign over the comment box, and I PROMISE I will NOT get upset if you don't use that box. I am done trying to please everyone, and by proxy be pleased. I've learned that that isn't reasonable and it's also ridiculous. I'm a big girl now, and I can handle it. This is NOT going to be an Art Blog, nor yet and Crafting Blog, or even a Mommy Blog. This is Miranda's blog. What I post may not make any sense to you, but you aren't Miranda (and if you are, well, the hell with you, you aren't the right Miranda ;))

I've been spending a lot of time thinking lately, but not a lot of action has come from it. Mind you, a lot of things are going on (and I mean a LOT) and things are changing ... hell, my whole LIFE is changing. Anyway, I digress (for the moment) to tell you the reason this post showed up in your email/blog roll/reading list/thingy.

It's 2012 and since so many things are changing in my life, I need a place I can put it all down, in my own words and be able to not only document, but to review at a later date; (some of) the events of my life.

Take it or leave it. This is for me and those that love me. If you love me (or even kinda like me) I would be honored and thankful if you did read it. HOWEVER, please don't feel obligated to do so - this is neither the time nor the place for it.

I will post again later today if I have time, but for now I must go, it's lunch time and I'm hungry. I am going to try and post something, even if it's short and stupid, at least 4-5 times a week. I may screw that up, but I'm the only one who that will matter to, and I'm ok with it ;)

God Bless and stay strong. Enjoy your coffee. Know that you are loved, regardless.
~Miranda